My Journal

A reflection on my 2017

First of all , 2017 was the best year ever because I found Bangtan!

But of course there were some ups and downs specially at the beginning of the year

School & friends

I was still in high school, I had some friends that I didn't necessarily need or like but I was okay with it bec it was my last year in high school
But I had this one friend called Norhan Essam and I liked her very much , of course there would be times that we wouldn't agree with each other or that we would fight a little. But I still wanted to be her friend .

We would meet up and go to our classes together , we would talk about pretty much anything and everything but she was too soft for me ,, I don't think she would have liked my taste in music and she would get upset over small things but then I wasn't allowed to get upset over the same things and she would always make it my fault so I stopped arguing with her and I just stayed friends with her because we actually had some things in common
But I guess these things weren't enough for me to tolerate the pressure

I also had some other friends that were just like colleges to me bec we almost didn't have anything in common except that we went to the same school or classes

I'm really glad that I got rid of all of these people .. but still we made some good memories, I will never think of them badly except for the ones that would gossip about everyone and the ones that were too fake and childish

School was actually good . Yeah I was under a lot of pressure but it was really fun and I didn't let it get to me on the long term .

Family

Our family was the same basically. Nothing changed then and nothing did now .
But I try to act better around my parents as well as being respectful and sympathetic towards them because I know they are under sooo much pressure and they have a really different mindset and way of thinking so I try to keep that in mind
My sister still suffered from depression but she stopped self harm for a while but recently I know that she has been doing it again and I think it's my fault for making her read a story that involves a lot of self harm and angst that she fell back into that hole.
Also after jonghyun had committed suicide she has been suffering and listening to sad and angst songs that I think she's having a really hard time. But I really don't know what to do or say to her to make her feel better
I really wanted to talk to her but I just feel really awkward and pressured and sad whenever I talk to her about this that I'm making it worse for her , I don't know why this happens but I'm still trying ..

Me

I had lost so much weight during the first few months but then exams approached and I began to stress and eat huge amounts of food in order to help with the pressure of mama not being with us , us having to do all the housework in addition to studying and having really good grades .. so I gained back some of the weight
But I didn't really get it all back until this college semester. I ate a lot even tho I don't eat out except rarely
I quit dancing and working out
I only sit in bed and watch videos or read Wattpad
I even stopped drawing

But my style in the beginning of the year was really good , I really didn't care what people thought or did , I was really carefree until I went to college but it didn't change that much for me
I still don't care what people think or do but most of the time my anxiety rises so fast and high but I'm really glad that I have BTS
They have helped me so much and I think without them I would have suffered and this year would have been the worst for me

My style now is a bit all over the place, sometimes I wear cute things and other times I'm so Emo , I just don't know .. but I really like jungkook and Jimin's styles , they are so me , it has both feelings but with a sense of connectivity and coherence instead of being all over the place
But still my most wanted items of clothing are BTS's hoodie / long and baggie hoddie / harry potter's glasses / baggy sweaters and sweatshirts and a long black coat with a hoodie