My Journal

16th December 2019

Ok.. I cracked.
I spent the rest of the semester worrying my brains out and stressing over everything, even over the fact that I'm stressing. I skipped most of my classes because I've either been too anxious or tired and sleepy to go to class, or I spent way too much picking and outfit that It was too late to go to class. Pity.
Anyways, my grades, other than the attendance ones, were decent though, so at least I got something. All the presentations went fine as well, as usual, stressing for days but finally getting it off my mind when done.
In our criticism presentation though, the professor was really annoyed and annoying. She kept interrupting us, and even asked us to search the internet at that moment for the texts we were discussing, even though everyone in the lecture room knew about both poems and had studied them before. It's such a pain. She also commented on things saying we should've said that, when we actually said it and she knew we said it, so I didn't get her comment!
Moving on.. we got my favorite professor a gift and I'm so glad because accidentally she got to teach us literature for 2 consecutive years. She is really my role model. I wish I could be that good of a person and professor someday.

Anyways.. I got an epiphany today: I realized that all that stress became too much for me that I got depressed and that's why I lost my willpower to actually do any effort, except the minimum. This anxiety also lead me to binge eat comfort food and watch a million movie and finish a whole season of "How To Get Away With Murder", and I've probably gained tons of weight and have been so unprofessional, but I intend to change things.
I know that I have lost my self-confidence, self-worth, and became so self-conscious because of my deteriorating state and because I found myself really not useful at all in most days, especially in the drama and comparative lectures because I was either unprepared or someone else had already answered the question with the same answer as mine.
I was just so discontent with my state as a student and as a human generally, so I had to figure a way to cope with things and that was binge eating and binge watching movies.

However I found that the best way to regain my self-worth and my confidence is to get to know myself again because I felt I lost her, so I asked myself some questions and this is what I got:

Aesthetic: chill cute tumblr witchy bluish grungy comfy.

Makes me happy: coffee, early mornings, soft songs, walking in the early morning hours, wearing skirts, being cozy, dancing, taking care of myself, time with family.

Non-negotiable: Alone time, common things, respect, having each other's back, safe space, kept secrets, lifting each other up.

Response to stress: hot shower, skin and hair care, journaling, dancing, taking a walk, Watching a movie, doing the dishes, cleaning.

Medical conditions: chronical fatigue, excess salts, vitamin D deficiency, anxiety, binge eating, temporary depression, minor OCD.

The person I want to be: smart, confident, reassured, patient, values prayer, strong, mindful, organized, fit, Happy, helpful, compassionate, grateful, accomplished, values self-care.

Personality type: INFP-T/A.

My strengths: quick learner, creative in writing, dancing, aesthete, finding solutions, perseverance, sappy, passionate, emotional, introvert, loner, Morning person.

My weaknesses: anxious, lazy, negligent,emotional,bored easily, minor OCD, little sense of time, temporary devotion, procrastination, getting tired easily.

My Goals: become an A+ student, become the best professor of literature, become a better Muslima, become a better daughter and sister and friend, become fit, learn ballet, learn Korean, learn to sketch better, learn to write better, learn yoga and meditation, become more mindful, read 24 books by the end of each year.

Lastly,
Never give up, and stay ambitious!
This is not just for me, it's for anyone who can relate and maybe would find help in these words.
Hope you have a great end of the year and a blissful beginning.