𝐰𝐝𝐰 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 & 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬

deaf › z.h.

sudden sensual hearing loss (SSHL) is a real thing. it may be incorrectly described in this, and if it is, i do apologize. i'm 12 years old, i'm not medically trained. i know nothing of this type of stuff, and honestly, i'm on a rushed schedule and i don't have the time to research SSHL.

warnings: some may be triggered to the topic of this chapter depending on whether or not you've had experiences with SSHL or know someone who suffers with SSHL. if you do think you will be triggered, i suggest not to read.

we all sat in the restaurant, jack, zach, and me in the booth, daniel, corbyn, and jonah in separate chairs. it was a nice restaurant. it wasn't too loud, wasn't too quiet. i silently sat next to zach as he joked around with jack, arguing whether or not the waiter was flirting with the older boy or not.

i smiled to myself as i thought about my life. when i was six, i never would have thought this would be the life i would have. i have the most amazing boyfriend ever. i'm lucky that he lets me live with him and his band mates. he showers me with gifts, compliments, and hugs and kisses. i was grateful for what i had, and i never wanted to let go it. 

that is, until i remembered what the whole point of taking the boys out was.

earlier that week, i had been diagnosed with SSHL. sudden sensual hearing loss. only, it wasn't sudden. i was losing all hearing in my right ear. my left ear, on the other hand, wasn't the best at hearing. but it would have to make due for the rest of my life. 

i was scared. i was dating a singer. a person who makes music for a living. music is a noise. i knew i was thinking about it too much, but how is someone who's half deaf supposed to date someone who makes music for a living?

it was dumb, but it was the thought that kept raking my mind into pieces.

i suddenly realized i didn't want to tell the boys in a public area like the restaurant. i didn't want the topic to be too public. i didn't want it all over social media. i wanted a private conversation with all the boys, but zach first. 

zach needed to know. he was my boyfriend. he had a right to know. i couldn't not tell him? but how was i supposed to? i was already scared of going deaf enough, but my fear got worse when i overthought how to tell zach. 

how would he react? i couldn't think of any scenario in which he'd be mad. i didn't want him to yell, or cry, or do anything that would attract attention. especially since we were in a nice restaurant. 

"(y/n)?" zach questioned me, gently tapping my shoulder. i blinked a few times to get me out of my tragic and chaotic thoughts and put my focus on my boyfriend. 

"yeah, zach?" i asked him, smiling in reassurance. 

"are you okay?" he asked me gently, trying very hard not to sound offensive. his eyes were full of worry and hope. it made me smile even more, how much he cared for me. 

i chuckled. "yes, zach, i'm fine," i lied straight to his face. but he bought it. he smiled back at me and turned his attention to the boys. i mentally face-palmed and sighed as i had just lost another chance to tell zach. 

why couldn't i just say it? i was able to blurt out the spoilers for avengers, so why couldn't i just spit this out? i just wanted to be able to say it and not talk about it for some time until i was ready. but i know zach. he'll want to talk about it. 

even if i didn't want to.

i hadn't really payed attention to the rest of the time until our food was brought to us. i had been told to go on a strict diet of vegetables and fruits by dr. lahiri, my otolaryngologist. she was the doctor who diagnosed me with SSH. i felt her heart break when she told me.