𝐰𝐝𝐰 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 & 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬

heavy in your arms › j.m.

based off of "heavy in your arms" by florence + the machine

i was a heavy heart to carry
my beloved was weighed down.

never had i ever meant to push myself onto jonah so that all of my problems became his problems. it was never my intention to weigh myself down, bringing him with me. if i only i had noticed it before, the mountains i'd created would have ceased to exist.

but there i sat, alone in our living room, waiting for him to come, my mind forcing myself to keep it together. i couldn't cry, i wasn't weak. even if i was alone, i wouldn't let myself drown in sorrow. i just couldn't.

half of me almost expected this to happen. i was a terrible girlfriend to date, i was a terrible person to be with. i wasn't surprised when jonah had started distancing himself from me a few weeks ago. i told myself that it made perfect sense, it was easy to understand.

my arms around his neck,
my fingers laced a crown.

it was simple, really. i'd been with jonah for almost two and a half years and i didn't want that to end. i knew he didn't either. he was the perfect guy, he took care of me, he loved me, he helped me, sure, sometimes he confused me but that's normal in any relationship. jonah could never hurt me, even when he was extremely pissed off with me. he could never complain about me or anything. he was always so sweet to me and if i had done anything that would make him mad or against me, he never hurt me. he just accepted it and moved on.

i knew i was a burden to him, i could see it in his eyes. it was so obvious i was becoming a problem with his life. but he absolutely refused to let himself leave me. i didn't want him to leave me but i could tell that it was best for us.

he had band stuff, rehearsals, the studio, interviews and videos and stuff like that, and i hated to bother him. i could see that he was always so tired, so drained, but i still threw my problems onto him like they were dirty laundry. i don't know why i did. 

i was a heavy heart to carry.
my feet dragged across the ground.

i had been chewing at my nails, something i'd been doing since i was six and something i hated doing. i ignored the small pain i felt coming from the ends of my fingers and slowly rested my hands on my lap before sighing. i sat back on our couch, letting the ache in my back from sitting up for too long finally let itself go.

i wore his sweatshirt, the one he'd given me the third time i'd visited him at his band's house. i remember practically living in that sweatshirt. and then all the boys got apartments and me and jonah finally had our own private home. i looked down at the sleeves of the sweatshirt that just barely hung off my hands and began to play with the hem. i chewed the inside of my lip from boredom as i continued to wait.

it felt i had waited for ages until i heard the familiar sound of the keys unlocking our front door. my head snapped toward the direction as i saw jonah's tall figure walk inside. 

he first threw his keys onto the counter and slipped his shoes off. he ran a hand through his hair before raising his eyes and looking at me. a wide smile came to his face, which made me smile, but inside, it made my heart hurt. i knew he wasn't happy with me, he just didn't want to hurt me.

"hey, beautiful," he whispered as he pressed a kiss to my forehead to which i internally cringed. "sorry i'm home kinda late, i'm here now."