𝐰𝐝𝐰 𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬 & 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐬

exhaustion › j.m.

since i'm dumb and i'm not creative and i can't come up with anything better. enjoy, sisters.

i wasn't really a morning person.

i never woke up at a specific time. my body was never all that good at doing that. i usually woke up around 9:30-10:00 in the morning. one time, i had woken up around lunch. granted, i had stayed up until 2 am.

when i was younger, i had to wake up at 6:00 am to go to school. for me, that was torture. i loved sleeping in. weekends were the best thing in the whole entire world. snow days, two-hours delays. anything to sleep in.

i loved sleeping. not because i was lazy. but because i loved the idea of closing your eyes and being able to escape reality while you dream whether it's a nightmare or not. when i would have so much going on in my life, when i would be so stressed, i would just close my eyes, fall asleep, and dream. it would help me escape everything that was happening.

of course, as an adult, that all starts to fade away.

i edited for james charles. he had been looking for an editor, and i got the job. but the job meant waking up early in the morning, putting on a full face of makeup, getting dressed and driving around in early LA traffic for half an hour until finally reaching my destination. it was tiring, but it was my job.

what really sucked was that i never got to see my boyfriend in the mornings a lot. he would still be asleep, and i would have to slowly slip out of our bed just so he wouldn't wake up. thankfully, he was close to being a heavy sleeper.

i missed waking up with him. before i took the job as an editor, i would sleep in with jonah until 10:00. we would just be laying underneath his covers, sharing on large pillow. i would be pressed against him, his arms wrapped around my waist. and it would be a natural position for us to wake up in. i missed having that. i could tell he did too.

i woke up that morning extra tired. i didn't know what was wrong. i went to bed at a decent time the night before so i should've been at least a little bit awake in the morning. i sat on the edge of our bed rubbing my eyes non-stop. i knew i had bad eyebags, and i could already see that they were gonna get worse.

i tried to lift myself off of the bed but i didn't have enough strength in my arms. my mind repeatedly told my body to get up, to get going or else i would be late. but my body wouldn't listen. i just sat there.

finally, i was able to push myself from the comfortable mattress. i knew that since i was extremely sleepy that morning, i needed to get moving. i walked into the bathroom that was connected to the bedroom. i turned on the sink quietly and let the water warm. i cupped my hands and let water fill up in them, splashing it into my face. the feeling of the water hit my skin was so sudden. it definitely woke me up, but not enough. i needed something more.

i splashed my face with water again and again. it woke me up more and more each time. finally, i was able to put my makeup on.

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"good morning, sister!" i heard james yell through his apartment. i winced at how loud his voice was but smiled when i saw him walk up to me.

"good morning, sister james," i said, trying to sound as enthusiastic as him. i yawned, trying to cover it up.

"ooh," james said, showing me comfort. "are you tired?" i shrugged. i was beyond tired, i needed to sleep, but i also needed to work. "you want to take today off? i can try to edit my own video, i mean, it'll look like sister shit, but you sound tired."

"nah," i said. "that's okay. i got enough sister sleep last night. thank you, though."

james nodded and walked over to ian who sat in the living room. "you look extra tired today," he said in his annoyingly low voice. "not enough sleep?"