| District 9 | STRAY KIDS SHIPS

Just A Robotic Analyzer// Seungbin

Just A Robotic Analyzer
Seungbin (Seungmin x Changbin)
Genre: angst
Status: dating
Words: 1423

I feel as though I have to emphasize that I am not a saint. I have done my fair share of wrongs in my life, but that does not make me an awful person. My mistakes do not mean that I am not willing to help anybody when they need it. If anything, my willingness to help someone will ultimately be what gets me hurt. However, when some people find out what they can get out of you with a few honied words, they will begin to take advantage of it, sometimes without even knowing it. And while being completely aware of someone taking and taking and taking, I never stop giving and that was my fault, and my fault alone.

Even after I've been hurt, I will never ultimately stop caring for a person. Perhaps it may be the softness in my heart clinging to the idea that someone may actually need me at some point in their lives, or perhaps it is just my personality. At the end of the day, it didn't quite matter, I was still giving and that would never stop. If someone truly needs you, they will let you know, and maybe that had been my downfall. Because I've become so used to hearing "I need you" and it not being real. You need my third eye to look out over a situation. You need what I have, not me.

It was common to have people come to me for advice even though I haven't experienced much in my lifetime. Sure, I've seen my fair share of shit and dealt with as well, but it always seemed to be relationships that people came to me for, and that was my most inexperienced department yet. My ability to see it from an outside perspective is what drew people in, they wanted an unbiased account from someone who saw it for how it was. I was a robotic analyzer to them, and it didn't matter if they wanted to admit it to themselves or not. That's what I was, and I can assure you that I am no longer a situation analyzer.

I never was. It's just what you needed me to be.

Perhaps I could have ultimately treated the person better in the end, listened to them and not bring my own experiences into the advice I give. But at the same time, how was I, a normal human being, to give you an honest answer without giving my own experiences? I never intended to make the situation about me, even if I did sometimes, and that was my fault as well. But that does not give a person a free pass to manipulate another until they no longer can give you what you want and then drop them without another word. However, I've become too used to be a stepping stone for others, and I'm not sure it will end any time soon.

I wouldn't say my mind worked in unfathomable ways because it was merely average. But I would like to say that I did have a knack for seeing things without a blind eye. A good portion of the time, I could see things for how they were. I try to understand everything from all sides and that may be the only upside to all of this. But as said before, when another finds out what your strength is, they will use it to weaken you until it no longer works. You have to be careful with who you open up to, who you speak to and tell your secrets to. Perhaps that is why people are so willing to open up to me, perhaps they see me as a robotic analyzer who is able to retain information and keep it out of other's wandering ears.

Despite everything being said, I still let people open up to me and ask for advice. It would be cruel of me to shove someone aside, but now, I'm learning to give and take, instead of just giving. A mutual arrangement is always what's needed. People still try and just take and take and take, and it is in my nature to keep giving. I have yet to find another me amongst everyone else, and I wished, for once, for someone to ask me what was on my mind without me going to them first. I had began to believe that I was alone for a very long time, that I really just had been a stepping stone for others to use without another thought. But instead, I found a fence, a long fence made of many pillars that supported me.

But as always, we all have our demons, and those demons don't just go with a snap of their fingers. It wasn't uncommon for me to dwell on such things, but I tried to keep it to myself for a good portion of the time as I was the calm one who had their shit together 25/8, or the crack head who couldn't have a sad bone in their body. I was seen as not being capable of such a thing, and I wished for others to see past that. "Minnie? What are you doing up?" I had been in the kitchen on my laptop, no lights on and no sound being up. Sleep had been a no go for a good few hours and I didn't want to bother Felix and Jisung, so I came out here, as quietly as possible, and hadn't left for a little over three hours. So, seeing Changbin in the doorway, holding himself up as to not collapse to the floor, was a bit nerve wracking.

"Couldn't sleep."

"Seems like you can't do that a lot nowadays." It was true. I don't remember the last time I had a full nights sleep and it had been at least a week since one of my old best friends decided to text me and ask for advice. I don't know why it's eating me up so much inside, but it was, and I needed it to go away. I felt arms slip around my neck, not even realizing Changbin had stumbled over and was hovering behind me for a few moments. "This isn't about that text you got last week is it? You never told anyone what it was about." His lips were right next to my temple, ghosting over the skin there and giving me goosebumps. I raised a singular hand and placed it where Changbin's wrist crossed, stroking the skin with the pad of my thumb.

"It's not that big of a deal, okay?" I didn't want him to worry.

"Min, you're doing it again. Stop pushing me away. Just tell me what's wrong. Please." Changbin pleaded, sounding as if he were going to fall asleep right then and there.

"I'm just scared, Hyung."

"Of what?"

"Of falling apart. Of having a code in my system that's wrong." I've seen Changbin be serious before, he was good at keeping himself together when the time came for it, but never have I actually seen him this serious. He whirled me around, my lower back hitting the counter edge and Changbin cornering me against it.

"You are not a machine, Minnie. You are human. You don't have coding and you're not a robot. It's okay to fall apart sometimes, just as long as you're willing to rebuild yourself afterwards. You're allowed to take every now and then." It seemed as though even Changbin had access to what was inside my head. Or maybe he was observant. But either way, I held Changbin and Changbin held me that night and I enjoyed every moment of it. We didn't get moments like this too often, not with the promotions and unending Changjin and Changlix moments, so we tried to savor them as much as we could. "You need sleep, Minnie. Come on." I don't think I ever actually slept that night, even if Changbin's arms were warm and his bed was comfy, but my mind was still running.

I wished I hadn't answered that text. I wished she would just leave me alone and figure her own shit out when it came to relationships. I needed her to let me go. I needed to let her go. But as said before, I was nothing but a robotic analyzer for her petty, and rather pointless problems. I was always a robotic analyzer.