Evan and Connor

Remembering the Past

Hello again!

I'm sorry for don't posting but this time I had some family problems. I'm the ONLY PERSON OF MY FAMILY who isn't homophobic so I can't write this fanfic when I'm at home because my father would probably kill me so I just can write when he is not a home or when I'm at the school. That's why I take so long to write a new chapter.

Anyways, enjoy this shit!

-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-//-

Evan's POV

Me and Connor were already at the hospital. The surgery was about to start and I couldn't even see my mother. She was mad at me because of my sexuality and I don't know why does she hate gays so much. I understand that all my life she told me that homosexuality is wrong but I didn't listen to her.

I remember that my father had exactly the same attitude. He used to say "Son, if one day you become a fag, never talk to me or your mother again.".

I was too young to hear those kind of things and that's why I grew up with a kind of fear of my sexuality. I thought I was a freak, but Connor made me see that I'm not a weird. I'm a normal person and be different is perfectly normal.

Connor was my biggest support at the moment. My childhood friend could die, my homophobic family was hating me and all I had was my boyfriend to comfort and love me. I was glad to at least have him by my side.

We were sitting outside of the operation room and we were hugging each other. I was feeling less nervous while hugging Connor but I was still freaking out.

A doctor ran out of the room and he called a nurse. We didn't hear what they say but it seemed really bad. I buried my face on Connor's hoodie and cried. He brushed my hair gently to try to calm me, and it really worked. Soon, my cry got less intense and I payed on his lap. I was really tired because I didn't even sleep last night.

I relaxed a little and Connor kissed my forehead and after some minutes, he fell asleep as well.

We were sleeping calmly. Even though I was sleeping, I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened a few days before.

First of all, Jared started dating Katlyn. Then he suddenly kissed me in front her and Connor. This made Connor break up with and also cut himself with a razor. Katlyn started hating Jared but he didn't mind. He tried to apologize to me but I just got even madder at him. Me and Connor reconciled but turns out Jared had a crush on both of we and when he realized we weren't going to return his feelings he just gave up on everything and tried to kill himself. Now he has a kind of bizarre disease because we didn't return his feelings! Aaaaah! This was way too much pressure! I didn't know why I exist if I was just going to hurt people.

Then, I started thinking about the time I tried to kill myself. I felt the same sensation of when I was on the top of the tree, trying to be brave enough to jump out of it. My thoughts were horrible. If I could, I would to end my existence to try to don't hurt people anymore.

Again, I thought of all the people I hurt the past years. I rejected Zoe's confession on sixth grade and this made her really sad. She didn't talk to me for almost a year! But at least, at the moment, we were good friends.

I hurt my mother and probably my father (wherever he is). I'm sure my mother already told him about me and Connor and this will make him probably kill me. My dad always was the type of person who didn't want changes. He never accepted different people. "If you have a physical or mental disability or disorder you are a freak", he used to say. "If you like people of the same sex of yours or try to turn to the opposite sex, you are just a fag and a freak.", he said to me when I was three years old. He always told me to don't be different and to don't like boys because it would make everyone laughs at me. When we first discovered my social anxiety problem he got so mad at me. My mother defended me, saying that this problem wasn't my fault, but my father slapped her on the face and left. He never came back after that day...

I hurt Jared. When I was a little kid, we didn't want to be separated. We were just like brothers. Jared always helped me with anything and I did the same. When I first bought him to my house, my dad yelled at me. "I will not let my son be a fag!" He yelled. I could hear the venom on his voice, and it completely hurt. Me and Jared were nothing more than friends, and my father didn't want to accept that. He thought I was just faking he was my friend to try to hide it from him. I didn't even know what a "real relationship" was. I was just a three years old kid! My dad hit me a lot of times with his belt when Jared left. My dad hit me so hard that day and still have some marks.

I also hurt Connor. On fourth grade, I was writing my anxiety letter on the school computer.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today will be a good day! You will meet some cool people and everybody will talk to you! I know you want to talk to a special person you like. Connor obviously likes you back! Who wouldn't like such a great person like you?

Sincerely, Me

I looked at the computer screen and I flushed when I thought of Connor. I was afraid that anyone could see this letter and judge me so I erased the word "Connor" and changed it to "Zoe". I started printing the letter and someone entered the room. It was Connor. He waved at me with a smile on his face and I waved back with my face all red.

I started to get anxious when he talked to me about some random things about school and other people. He also asked me if I wanted to sit with him on the school bus, and I happily agreed.

When the letter was finally printed, Connor picked it and asked me "what is this?"

I panicked and tried to take the letter off of his hands. Then, he started reading it.

"You like... Zoe?" He said with his eyes full of tears.

I tried my best to deny it and tell him the truth but before I could explain the situation he dropped the letter on the floor and left the room as he cried intensely. One week later, the teacher said to our class that Connor changed schools. I felt so guilty. I knew it was my fault...

I probably started crying during sleep, because I woke up when I felt someone gently shake my shoulder and say my name. I looked at Connor and he hugged me.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I-I had a b-bad dream... I r-remembered all the bad t-things I suffered and all t-the p-people I hurt a-and..." Connor shushed me before I could finish.

"It's ok... I'm here now." He kissed my cheek and hugged me again.

Then, a doctor came out of the operation room.

"The surgery is finally over and the patient survived. He is stable but he is still asleep. You can come see him tomorrow. For now, please go home and rest." He said with a warm smile on his face.

I hugged Connor even tightly and we smiled to each other. Things were finally starting to get better.