in your eyes

chapter one

ara

the night sky was full of stars, but no moon. the melody of the music box in my hand soothed me. the gentle breeze brushing past my hair soothed me. you'd think after years of living here i'd be used to the frosty weather but somehow it still found a way to numb me. i'd always loved the cold, even in australia, where it never became even nearly as cold as here. my parents used to call me crazy for loving the rain or the icy weather, but what good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness? and where were they to see me now?

memories of my childhood came rushing back while i did everything i could to rid myself of them. i did not care to think about how happy i used to be, how my family forced me to leave it all behind and how i was the one left behind now. i did not miss my childhood, but i missed the way i took pleasure in smaller things, even as greater things fell apart. i could not control the world i was in, nor the people or moments that hurt me, but i took joy in the things that made me happy.

i was lying on a big rock by the side of the river and remembering it all. the woods did that to you. i guess my parents were right, i was crazy. i remembered it perfectly. how my dad broke the news so suddenly when we were playing in the park, how none of us wanted to believe it. i remembered everything about him. i remember his caramel skin, his overgrown curly hair, his chubby cheeks, his smile, his tiny teeth. we were adorable, only eight years old, though we'd known each other for years before that. our parents constantly joked about how we'd be married in the future and shipped us together but we didn't have a care in any of that. we barely understood it, we were children, but even the thought of those days brought a smile to my face and a pain to my chest.

"we wanted to talk to you all about something," my dad had said that day at the park. "Elham and i have received a job opportunity in manchester and we will be moving there very soon."

i still remember the clattering of utensils that fell onto plates with a loud clink. i still remember lorenz's face, his confused eyes looking back and forth between me and my parents. the news was new to me as well. i was confused too. i'd really just thought we'd be going on a trip, that we'd eventually return.

but we never did.

thinking about that day made my head hurt. it had been years since we'd left and i rarely ever thought of it anymore. i'd grown used to my life here, used to life without lorenz. so on days where those memories did come back, i tried my hardest to shake them off because they were honestly the last thing i wanted to think about.

i sat up, my back aching a little because of the weird shaped rock i'd been laying on. the music box in my hand was the last gift he ever sent me, when he realised i would never reply to his messages or calls. it was for my twelfth birthday. i was seventeen now.

checking my phone for the time, i realised that i had spent the whole night by the river and that it was almost 6:30 am. i picked up my bag and made my way to the car, i had to pick up abby later that day.

***

it was a grey, cloudy day in january, and the clocks were striking thirteen, meaning that it was now lunch time. i rushed to her university, knowing abby she would've been angry at me if i was late to pick her up, in case any of her teachers saw her.

and i was running on no sleep, as i had spent the whole night in the woods. by the river. in winter.

"what the fuck took you so long?" she yelled at me once i'd arrived, slamming the car door shut. "mrs. buyers almost saw me outside and you know how much of a bitch she is."

i knew quite a lot about mrs. buyers. she was almost 50, had six kids, a mustache, greasy hair and apparently smelt like onions. yummy. abby would often go on rants about her and how shitty she was.