in your eyes

chapter twelve

ara

my legs struggled to hold me, my shirt that was now wet clinging onto my skin. i breathed out smoke, tilting my head toward the sky, closing my eyes. i had always loved the rain. it was so calming, it cleansed me. it had always made me feel less alone. all rain is, is a cloud, falling apart, and pouring its shattered pieces down on top of you. it made me feel good to know that i wasn't not the only thing that fell apart. it made me feel better to know other things in nature can shatter too.

i threw my now wet cigarette on the ground, taking a gulp from the vodka bottle in my hand. it seemed to be the only thing making me feel alive lately. wandering the empty streets, there were no cars, no people. did others not like the rain? people ran from the rain, yet sat in a bath filled with water. why? allowing my feet to drag me wherever they wished, i kept walking, not a single destination in my head. the cold water soaked me, making me shiver and shake as my wet hair clung to my neck. i drank the rest of the bottle and threw it on the ground, watching it smash into pieces. i picked up the largest piece of glass and put it in my pocket.

where to go? i wondered. looking around, almost everything was closed, except for the tall shopping mall in front of me. i made my way toward it, not having anywhere else to go. gone too far from the house i seemed to be lost, so i stumbled through the glass doors and looked around. luxurious place it was. pretty busy too. i almost tripped a few times as i walked in, the alcohol had made my mind hazy.

i suddenly felt dizzy, my ability to walk completely gone. the place felt small, crowded, as if everyone were forming a tight circle around me, not allowing me to breathe. it felt as if a hand was wrapped around my throat, a grip tightening as the moments passed until my knees fell limp beneath me, falling to the ground as everyone's eyes followed my every movement.

"miss are you okay?" a voice echoed in my brain becoming louder and louder as i placed my hands firmly on my ears attempting to block out the noise. two firm hands were placed on my shoulders shaking me and i glanced up, seeing a boy looking back at me with worried eyes. "come here."

he helped me up and led me through the big and confusing building to the roof. i shivered at the sudden cold and he wrapped a hand around my waist, pulling me closer to him and holding me tightly since i could barely walk.

"are you okay?" he asked. he was cute. like a sweet, innocent type of cute. the type of cute you want to protect with your whole entire being. his eyes were big and green, his lashes dark and long and little freckles were splattered all over his face. he was quite lanky - skinny and tall and despite his natural baby face, the way he was smiling at me made me want to melt. "miss?"

i looked away from him. i liked it up here. i liked the way the wind ran through me, i liked the way the rain soaked me up, i liked the view of the whole city, and i liked that he was here too. i turned to look at him again, a faint smile on my lips. placing a hand on his shoulder, i allowed the other run through his long jet black hair. he looked down at me, making me realise the difference between our heights.

the sudden rush of wind made me pull his body closer to mine, snuggling my face in the crook of his neck without even realising i was doing it.

"what's your name?" he whispered in my ear.

i smiled. "ara."

"ara," he repeated. i liked the way my name sounded on his lips. "pretty name for a pretty girl."

i blushed at his words and tightened my grip on him as he gripped my waist harder. you just met him! my mind screamed at me, begging for me to leave and run home but for some reason, that fact comforted me. we knew nothing but each other's names, we owed nothing to each other, had nothing against each other. it felt nice to know that he saw me as another person in the crowd, nothing special, just an ordinary person who he'd never met before.

"toby," he whispered in my ear. i raised my head and looked at him. "my name is toby."

"nice to meet you toby."

i turned around, walking toward the edge of the roof and leaned over, looking at the city.

"so ara," he began. " what're you doing drunk at this time of day?"

i took a moment to think about the question he'd asked me. what was i doing?

i looked at him for a few seconds and gave him a warm smile. "enjoying my last few days."

he looked confused. "I'm not sure what that means."

"good."

the sound of him chuckling loudly echoed in the air.

"mysterious aren't you?"

i smiled, climbing on the ledge and sitting down. the smallest force could push me to my death.

"wow, what are you doing?" toby asked, grabbing my arm.

"don't worry, i'm not going to jump."

not yet anyway.

he wrapped his arms around my waist from the back, holding me tightly. "i don't want you to fall."

i stared off into the sky, wondering if life could stay like this forever. i felt like i was on top of the world. for the first time in forever, i was happy. genuinely happy. but even then it still made me sad. this moment would end. this feeling would end. everyone seemed to think life ends happily ever after. at funerals, everyone always talked about how happy a person was, how they had so much to live for and how sad it was now that they were gone. but that was hardly ever true. no one, not even for a second thought about all the shit someone might have gone through in their life. they never talked about how they would be free of the pain of this world. no one talked about how maybe, just maybe they were happy to be dead, because in reality, they really didn't have much to live for. everyone lived in this dream, this dream that no matter what was happening to you in this second, you would be happy in the end. that all the pain would be over. but that wasn't true. the pain and suffering doesn't end. it never does until one's dead.

it never ends until you take your last breath.

so as i sat on the edge of a building, staring at the sunset with a boy i'd just met, i took in the moment. i tried to cherish life, the best of it anyway. the way my wet clothes clung so gently to my skin, the way the cold wind ran through my hair, brushing against my bare skin causing me to shiver, the way the warmness of the sun hugged my bare thighs, the way toby's arms held my waist, the way my feet dangled off the edge. life was beautiful, i admit, but it was only beautiful in moments like these. and moments like these were a luxury the average mortal experienced very few times in their lives.

so i continued to let my feet dangle off the edge, allowing myself to breathe in the fresh air, thinking of how happy i was in that moment.