in your eyes

chapter twenty one

ara

"ara," a voice whispered, causing me to stir awake. "wake up."

i rubbed my eyes, preparing to open them to the harsh sunlight that was gleaming down on me. underneath me felt comfortable as i twisted and turned, trying to stretch while a hand was softly playing with my hair. and then i fell.

off the bed i mean.

"are you okay?"

my brain felt like it was bleeding, my stomach was churning making me gag and i could almost guarantee that my back was broken so no, i was not okay. "yeah i'm fine."

when i finally opened my eyes i saw that i was in my room, back home. however i didn't remember walking home.

"you were gone for so long ara," abby whispered once i was back on the bed. "i found you in the cemetery."

i didn't want to talk about it, all of it. the club, the party i went to after, my mum's grave, all the drinking and smoking and all that shit. for once i didn't want to talk so i jumped off the bed and went to take a shower. i smelt and felt absolutely disgusting, to the point i could make myself vomit. i'd been doing a lot of vomiting lately, hadn't i?

once my shower had finished, i dried myself and threw on a tank top and shorts, walking downstairs because as much i didn't want to admit it, i was starving. especially for abby's cooking. and... maybe abby.

pushing those thoughts to the back of my head, i walked into the kitchen, the sweet aroma of pancakes filling the air. standing at the stove, she looked stunning, so effortless and clean. i hugged her from behind, letting my head rest in the crook of her neck, her skin feeling so warm and soft against mine, though her entire body tensed at my touch.

i expected her to push me off her but she didn't. instead, she flipped her pancakes as i held onto her tightly because every time i let go she seemed to slip out of my fingers, disappear. it hadn't hit me that she was sleeping in my bed a few nights ago and was in my house. why? she had her own house, her own bed, so why mine? not that i cared, it was okay, although it shocked me. i didn't see the reason behind it, unless... no. she couldn't.

but maybe she did.

maybe she missed me, more than friends should. maybe she still cared, more than friends did. and maybe, just maybe she still loved me, more than friends were supposed to.

"are you ever going to let go?" she asked in a soft voice.

no i wanted to say, i'm holding onto you forever. but i didn't exactly have a choice so i let go of her as we sat down, eating the pancakes she'd cooked. i ate a lot, too much to be honest. i mixed each pancake with something different, blueberries, strawberries, blackberries, ice cream, chocolate syrup, honey, bananas, etc. i didn't remember the last time i'd eaten. on the plane maybe? nonetheless, i stuffed my face.

"when was the last time you ate?" abby asked, looking at me with wide eyes.

i put the fork down and looked away. i didn't exactly like when people asked me when i ate or why i'm eating so much or anything about food in general. it made me feel like a cow. "i don't remember."

pity. she looked at me with pity in her eyes, her hand leaving a burning trail on my cheekbones she'd caressed. her eyes burned holes into me as she stared at me from head to toe. i knew how much weight i'd lost, i knew how skinny i looked, how fragile i was, i just hated when people reminded me.

she retrieved her hand and looked away. "i'll go make some more."

"no," i blurted out too soon. "i'm not hungry."