in your eyes

chapter seventeen

ara

"let me go you dumb bitch!" i screamed, kicking and punching his back as hard as i could because i didn't want to go and no one could make me.

lorenz held onto me harder, not letting go of me. he had me slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes while i yelled and screamed as loud as i could to make him put me down. he was trying to force me to go to the recovery club and i had no intention of going.

"ara please just calm down," he yelled back. i felt so weak. i was weak. so very, extremely fucking weak. i don't know, maybe i didn't want to recover, maybe i'd been sad for so long i was afraid to be anything else. all i knew was that i wasn't going to that prison even if it killed me. tears stung my eyes causing me to hate myself ever more than i hated lorenz in that moment.

i stopped struggling in his hold, allowing my body to go limp, unable to stop the sobs escaping my throat. "please lorenz."

slowly, he lowered me onto the grass and i fell on my back. i'd never hated myself more than i did in that moment. i hated everything about myself but most of all, how weak and vulnerable i was, how much i wasn't in control of my own emotions.

"ara," lorenz whispered softly, his voice laced with worry. "come here."

he wrapped his arms around me and scooped me up, putting me in his lap. i laid my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat as his fingertips rubbed circles onto my shoulder, his touch slowly burning me. and all i wanted was to die. as nice as it was having someone there, i wasn't used to it. i was always alone and that was what i'd become familiar with. the feeling of constantly being by yourself, enjoying your own company, picking yourself up after a hard day, making yourself feel better because in this life, there's no one else but you. so this feeling of having someone else be with me constantly, enjoying their company and them picking me up after a hard day was bizarre and i fucking hated it. i wanted to drown all my feelings, to drown myself because the voices in my head had become too much for me to handle. i wanted everyone to shut the fuck up, to sit in silence because i was so fucking sick and tired of this world.

yet i wanted nothing to change, but to just sit here forever. i felt so warm, so safe and protected. i liked the way his shirt clung to him, the way his breath felt on my neck, the way i felt a million feelings at once. we sat there together for a while, just enjoying each other's presence.

"promise me something," he whispered.

"what?"

"promise me you'll be strong, so strong that nothing can disturb your peace," he said, pausing before continuing again. "promise me that you'll talk, whether it's about your issues or your health or your happiness. promise me that you'll always be kind, to me, to abby, to everyone. that you'll always look at the sunny side of everything. promise me that you won't ever forget your worth, that you'll only think of the best, work for the best and only accept the best, that you'll be enthusiastic and won't ever settle for anything that's not good enough for you. promise me that you'll forget the mistakes of the past and press onto the greater achievements of the future. to be cheerful and greet every living creature you see with a smile. promise me you'll think well of yourself and claim it, to live in faith that the whole world is on your side as long as you are truly the best you. promise me you'll get better and that you won't ever think about leaving again. promise me you'll be okay."

my breath hitched in my throat and i though i could just die because how was it possible for someone to speak so beautifully? more importantly, how was it possible i could promise so many things to lorenz without breaking them?

i couldn't, that was the simple answer.

so i didn't.

we stayed sitting in silence and soon moved inside.