in your eyes

chapter fifteen

lorenz

she was gone.

laying on the floor of the hospital, i stared at the ceiling as abby walked back and forth frantically, biting her nails. i was there in the ambulance when they rushed her to the hospital. i had to sit next to her lifeless body, i had to call abby and abbas and tell them what happened to her. she was pronounced dead multiple times, each time causing me to become less and less hopeful for her recovery. first in the ambulance, then a few times in the hospital. i'd been sitting in this dull, shitty place for two weeks, counting the seconds as they passed. abbas came and left frequently but abby and i stayed the entire time. it was quite awkward.

"come on, get off the ground," abby mumbled, trying to lift me up with my hand. "it's disgusting, stand up."

i didn't move but just watched her skinny frame trying to lift me. this was the most we'd talked since she'd arrived.

"bitch get up!" she grunted.

i pulled my hand back and turned away from her. "leave me alone, abby."

she gave up and sat down next to me. "what, you don't think i'm upset about what happened? of course i am! i love her-"

"you broke up with her."

we stared at each other for a few seconds. she ran a hand through her hair, sighing. "that's not fair lorenz-"

"yeah life's not fucking fair abby, or else we wouldn't be here right now!"

"i still love her so much," she whispered softly, dodging my eyes. "but you're just being useless. when was the last time you showered? when was the last time you ate anything that wasn't from the vending machine? you can't get as bad as ara was otherwise you're going to be the next one on the hospital bed. so get up and go out, breathe the fresh air, eat something and please shower because you smell like shit."

i grunted sitting up, feeling a sudden pain in my back. "you're such a pain in the ass abby, i don't know how ara put up with you."

her eyes widened and she looked at me with a shocked face. "excuse me? i'm just looking out for you. what's your problem?"

"just leave me alone."

i stood up and left, wanting to be as far away as i could be from her. i knew i was being harsh but she didn't understand. it seemed like no one understood. ara almost died, she still could. it seemed like no one else cared about what was happening in that room, nobody cared that she could be gone in a second. nobody cared like i did. i'd grown up with her, my entire childhood was with her. i couldn't let her die. she was everything to me. i didn't know what i'd do without her.

i walked in my house, not realising my legs had dragged me back home. entering the kitchen, i realised how hungry i was and decided to make myself an avocado and egg sandwich. as i finished the remains, my mind wandered back to ara. after that incident where she thought she saw her mum, she began making me breakfast in the mornings. of course we never really talked about it or talked at all but i knew she cared about me. even when she didn't eat anything in the morning, she still made me something. and her cooking, it was so good. i didn't realise it until now but i looked forward to every morning, just to see her. to see her in those baggy clothes she always wore with her hair all tangled and in a mess. to see her tiny frame walking back and forth in the kitchen, standing up on the counters when she couldn't reach something. she wasn't perfect, no one was, but she was perfect to me. i loved everything about her. she was so stubborn, never asking for my help. it made me sad. i wish i'd helped her with everything, even if she hadn't asked me. maybe then she'd still be here.

i put my dirty dishes in the sink. ara would wash them if she were here. we'd argue, i'd say we had servants to do this type of work and she'd just call me a rich boy and continue washing them. i made my way to my room. i was home alone although i wasn't sure where the parents were. walking into the bathroom, i couldn't help but sneak a peek at myself in the mirror. i looked bad, really bad. not to mention i smelt really bad too. my hair was outgrown and messy and oily and my beard was slowly growing out since i hadn't shaved in a while. the bags under my eyes were darker and puffier than ever. stripping from my clothes, i then stood under the hot water escaping the shower. it burned my skin but it felt good, the warmth allowing my muscles to relax as it cleansed me. i tried so hard to distract myself, to focus on the hot water that trickled down my legs, to focus on the fog that surrounded me, to focus on anything but ara. yet she was all i could think about. i'd been thinking about her every second of every day. i mean, how could i not? she jumped off a building in front of me yet i still couldn't believe that had happened. maybe i had been imagining it all, maybe it was all a fever dream. maybe she was in her room, still asleep and waiting for me to go and sleep beside her. maybe she wanted that just as much as i did.

shaking those thoughts off, i dried myself, wrapping a towel around my abdomen. after brushing my teeth and drying my hair, i changed into comfortable clothes. grey sweats and a black singlet top. i wanted to go back to the hospital, make sure ara was okay but i couldn't bring myself to. what if she wasn't okay? what if she'd become worse? plus i didn't want to deal with abby. i just wanted ara to be okay. i wanted everything to be okay.

unable to stop myself, i realised my legs had dragged me to ara's bedroom. it was a bit of a mess. her clothes were sprawled out on the ground, empty energy drink cans stacked against the wall, her cigarettes on the bed side table along with empty alcohol bottles. that was her way of coping. poor girl. i could've done something. i should've done something. closing the door behind me, i walked in and threw myself onto her bed. as i snuggled further into her bed and blanket, i breathed in her scent that still seemed to be lingering there. a clean, sweet smell mixed with... smoke? whatever it was, it smelled really fucking good. just as my eyes were about to flutter closed, something caught my attention. a note. on her bedside table. without thinking twice, i immediately grabbed it and began reading.

dearest, i feel certain that i am going mad again. i feel like i can't go through another one of those terrible times. and i can't recover this time. i hear voices sometimes, and i can't concentrate. so i am doing what seems the best thing to do. you have given me the greatest possible happiness. you have been in every way all that anyone could be. i can't fight any longer. i know that may be spoiling your life, but i know that without me you could work. and you will, i know you will. you see i can't even write this properly. what i want to say is that i owe all the happiness of my life to you. you have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. everybody knows it. if anybody could have saved me it would have been you. everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. i can't go on spoiling your life any longer. i don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. A.

what the fuck.

i was dumbstruck, unable to move as my eyes reread the words laying on the crumbled piece of paper. ara wrote it, i was sure. she never used capital letters, claimed they overpowered the rest of the letters and that it wasn't fair. not to mention the literal A at the end, but the question was who did she write this for? there was no name. and when had she written it? i wanted to know so badly, i needed to know otherwise i would go insane.

although she wasn't completely gone yet, it felt like she was. it was killing me. i knew how selfish i was being. she had to have gone through so much to feel like suicide was the only way out, yet here i was begging she'd stay alive for me. i hated the person i'd become. i hated how selfish and useless i'd become. if only i was there for ara, i could've saved her. i could've stopped her from wanting to end her own life but i was too busy with my own bullshit and camille and wanting to be good enough for her. fuck camille. i couldn't care less about her. i just wanted ara back. my best friend, my only friend now. i loved her so much. i just wanted her back and now she was barely even here. she was barely even alive.

and i suddenly knew that if she lost her battle, i would die. maybe not immediately, maybe not with the same blinding rush of pain, but it would happen. you couldn't live for very long without a heart.