in your eyes

chapter twenty six

ara

i wanted him to tell me about every person he'd ever been in love with. tell me why he loved them and why they loved him. i wanted to know the first time he felt the weight of hate. if he were to build a snowman, would he rip two branches from a tree to build his snowman arms or would leave his snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree?

does he kiss his friends on the cheek? does he sleep beside them when they're sad even if it makes his lover mad? does he think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? see, i wanted know what he thought of his first name, and if he would often lie awake at night and imagine his mother's joy when she spoke it for the very first time.

i wanted him to tell me all the ways he'd been unkind. tell me all the ways he'd been cruel.

i wanted to know if he believed in any god or if he believed in many gods or better yet what gods believed in him.

i wanted to know what he saw when he looked in the mirror on a day when he was feeling good. i wanted to know what he saw in the mirror on a day when he was feeling bad. i wanted to know the first person who taught him his beauty could be reflected on a shitty piece of glass.

i wanted to know more than what he did for a living. i wanted to know how much of his life he spends giving and if he loved himself enough to also receive sometimes.

i wanted to know everything about him, the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. i wanted to know him inside out, to know every inch of his body.

though i soon realised i'd been asking for too much.

this was only our first date.

"ara? you okay?" a voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

i smiled warmly at him. "yeah, i'm alright."

he smiled back.

a week had past since the whole declaration and i was happier than i'd ever been. truly, utterly happy. i never thought i'd see a day like that, a day where i felt completely fine but i guess love changes that.

and lorenz, well, he was perfect.

absolute fucking perfection.

"i have a surprise for you."

his words caused a wide grin to spread across my face. what kind of surprise could make this night even better? lazing around at home, getting high, eating delicious food at my favourite restaurant? how could it become even better?

he stood up and grabbed my hand, leading me out of the restaurant and into the chilly night. we walked beside each other in silence, lorenz leading and me holding his hand tightly because it was so dark and i had no fucking clue where we were.

"lo?" i called. "where are you taking me?"

he didn't respond. just kept walking.

i decided not to ask anymore questions and let him lead and soon, we ended up at an alleyway.

a bit odd.

he let go of my hand and walked further, leaning against a wall and letting out a breath. did he bring me here to kill me? what the fuck were we doing? i looked around and realised that it was slowly starting to look more and more familiar. i'd been here before, but when? with who?

there was a weird mood in the air, a tension, deja vu.

it was the alleyway we went to that night. the night i dyed my hair. the night after my dad had yelled at me about leaving recovery club. it was then i understood.