in your eyes

chapter twenty seven

ara

lorenz was a great boyfriend.

no, better than great. amazing. splendid. extraordinary.

some time had passed since everything and i was happier than ever. i was genuinely happy and for so long i wondered how that could be. it was great, really. i didn't have the sinking feeling of disappointment in my stomach whenever i woke up, i didn't completely starve myself or lock myself in my room, shutting out every person who ever tried to help. instead i woke up earlier, relieved when i'd see lorenz next to me and at night it took me longer to sleep because for once, my reality was better than my dreams.

"did you really mean what you said that night?" lorenz had asked me a week after i told him. he for some reason didn't fully believe i was genuine, thought i was playing a prank on him.

we were laying on the couch in front of the fireplace, his head resting on my chest as i caressed his hair, my hand becoming lost in his curls. "why don't you believe me?"

he raised his head, gazing into my eyes. "i believe you, it just feels surreal. i don't want to lose this, this moment. i don't want to lose you."

i hugged him tightly, holding onto him as if my life depended on him. truth was i didn't want to lose him either, or this moment. so i held on and closed my eyes, wishing none of this would ever end.

so much more had happened in the span of a few weeks. my dad had moved to brazil for some reason and no matter how much i tried to contact him, he wouldn't answer. lorenz's parents felt awful for me which was somewhat annoying because they thought of me as this person who needed to be looked after every second of the day, as if i was a fucking baby. they pitied me and i'd never liked that, people pitying me. we all have our own demons, we all fight our own battles, mine's no different. nonetheless, they allowed me to live in their house until i had enough money and was ready to move out with lorenz. until then they were my legal guardians.

though i still had my bad days. i had days i would reorganise the entire house, days where i'd feel like i was locked in a dream and days where i would drink a whole bottle of vodka on my own, where i'd starve until there was nothing left of me and slice myself to pieces. of course, i still had my bad days, weeks even. no one ever fully recovers, those thoughts, those feelings, those images will forever be carved into my brain and there was nothing i could do but try and feel okay for the people around me. for lorenz.

"ara, please let me in," lorenz whispered softly, knocking on the door. i didn't know what to do. i wanted him by my side, i really did but i didn't want him to see me like this anymore. i didn't want to become a pathetic mistake to him because ever since we began dating i'd been happier than ever. i didn't want him to change his mind. it's like my sadness was so deep and overwhelming that i was worried it would drown everyone else in my life if i let them come too close to it.

i sat there, tears streaming down my face as i stared at the ceiling, no longer wanting to be here. i felt like a burden on this family, on lorenz. i wanted them to be happy and it was so obvious that his parents didn't think of me as a person anymore, they thought of me as a problem. my only way of coping with this shit was to push everyone away so i wouldn't become too hurt when they left, but for the first time, pushing them away hurt me more than anything.

so i unlocked the door and allowed lorenz to enter. he took good care of me, we took good care of each other. i'd never felt what i felt with him with anyone else. 

he walked in and sat beside me, instantly wrapping his arms around me, murmuring reassuring words to me as i rested my head on his chest. i felt a sense of security whenever i was with him, i couldn't explain why.