in your eyes

chapter five

ara

i squirmed, unable to stand still. it wasn't because of the cold, i was indoors now, although i regretted not wearing a bra. lorenz sat on the couch, making his way into the house before i even welcomed him. he was very determined to see my dad but i didn't know where he was. if he was awake or even sober. just as i was about to walk up the stairs to see if he was in his room, the sound of a door stopped me.

"hey beautiful how are you? i love the new hair." my dad walked in my direction, engulfing me in a hug.

what the fuck.

"someone's here to see you," i mumbled, breaking the awkward silence.

"hey abbas," lorenz greeted standing up. my dad's eyes lit up. i hadn't seen him this excited in so long. immediately he and lorenz hugged.

"wow you've grown so much!" he exclaimed excitedly. "i missed you, son."

i stood there dumbfounded, once again because he wasn't trying to kill me? he really knew me, my family. my dad and lorenz continued chatting excitedly and i decided to go up to my room, realising i no longer fit into their conversations. it was messy, really messy. my bed was unmade, there were bags, clothes on the ground along with my skateboard that seemed to just sit there catching dust. i picked up a duffel bag, filling it with clothes, makeup and shoes. i sat on the floor again, leaning my back against my bed with my head in my hands. i didn't want to stay there that night but where would i go? abby had already done way too much for me and not to mention lorenz who was riding my ass at this point. where did i go? motel? i didn't have much money left. i'd just take some from my dad. right.

i pulled out a deck from my pocket and pulled out the joint abby had rolled for me, bringing it to my lips and lighting it.

"is there anything you don't smoke?"

"fuck off lorenz," i mumbled exhaling. i didn't want to deal with him, not now, not ever. all he'd done was complicate things ever since he arrived.

he held up his hands in defence, entering my room. "hey calm down, i was joking."

i glanced up at him. he was pretty.

he came and sat next to me. i closed my eyes, trying not to think. trying not to think about the pounding pain in my head, trying not to think about lorenz who had just become a problem, trying not to think about the shitty excuse of a father i had. i never really cared for the future, everything would come together somehow so why should i pour my energy into shit that isn't worth it? instead, i was always worried about the present. where i would sleep, whether i'd go to school, how i was going to numb myself. of course, i was furious with my dad. fucking furious because i don't know how anyone could do such thing to their own child, but i understood the pain he was in. i turned to drugs and alcohol too, just not as much as him. i wasn't like him because i had support from abby and sometimes it made me wonder what would've happened if i had tried harder to be by his side through those times. he kicked me out, abandoned me, spent most of his days drinking or doing drugs but all he was trying to do was fill the hole inside of him. he needed someone to love him, someone to talk to him, so maybe, just maybe if i had tried harder he would be better. and here i was running away again. all i could do was blame myself.

i snapped out of my thoughts when i felt a large hand on my thigh, skin slightly touching my thigh through the rips of my jeans. lorenz. i tensed at his touch, quickly standing up and letting his hand drop to the ground.

"ara-"

"let's go," i mumbled quickly, cutting him off because i didn't want to hear the rest of his sentence. i didn't want to hear anything.