in your eyes

chapter nine

ara

tw: from this chapter onwards there will be talks and scenes of topics that may be triggering to some people, such as self harm, suicide, severe mentall illness and addiction.

my head hurt. that was my first thought as i cautiously opened my eyes, being greeted by the harsh sunlight that gleamed down through my windows. the pounding pain in my head became worse with every movement i made, making me want to kill the ara i was last night because how the fuck did i let myself drink so much? slowly, i sat up. looking around my room, i realised how disgusting it was, how messy and fucking disgusting it was. my clothes were sprawled out everywhere, along with empty energy drink cans. next to my bed laid empty alcohol bottles that i'd drank, my bedside table covered in cigarettes, the ashes and weed. it was then i realised how long i had been in bed; a whole week since lorenz had left. a whole fucking week that i hadn't eaten or even brushed my teeth. a whole week i'd been living on alcohol and cigarettes and weed and even the mere thought of moving a limb exhausted me. i felt so gross and sticky and i just wanted to move and clean everything up but i simply couldn't. all of last week had been a big blur. all i had done was sleep and cry, and i could barely even tell you why. it took every ounce of me, all my strength to not open the drawer, grab a blade and slit myself to pieces because that was what i believed i deserved. most of my life i had struggled with self harm and depression, ever since my mum died and, well, my dad stopped being a dad but i was two months clean. i didn't want to ruin that, i didn't want to be weak. but that's what i was. weak.

grabbing a vodka bottle from beneath my bed, i chugged down the remaining liquid, trying as hard as i could to ignore the headache that made my entire body feel like it was about to explode. the drink burned my throat, burned my insides but i enjoyed it. it was a good burn. i hadn't seen or heard from anyone this past week. i had no idea where my dad was, probably buying or using drugs, abby had left too, probably dealing with her own issues and nothing from lorenz either. though, i was very glad no one had seen me, i looked horrible and smelt like tobacco.

i decided to turn on my speaker and play some music, hoping that maybe, it would make the voices in my head quieter. pressing the shuffle button, golden by harry styles played.

growing up, i'd been obsessed with one direction. even now i still am. i remembered every inch of my walls being covered with posters, all of their albums playing, i'd heard all of their songs. as i grew older and older, they became more and more associated with negative emotions. whenever i listened to their songs i wouldn't think about the actual song, i'd remember the memories attached to it. oh, that was the day my dad kicked me out or that was the day my mum died. after she passed was the hardest for me. she took a piece of me with her. i'd lock myself up in my room for days and obviously my dad couldn't give less of a fuck so i would always depend on them to make me feel better. and as pathetic as it sounds, they did for a while. abby had always been so supportive and kind to me as well, always checking up on me, making sure i was okay. she knew my mum, they loved each other as if they were family too and i know how hurt abby was as well when she passed. yet i still pushed her away. i pushed everyone away. that was my coping mechanism, pushing every single fucking person so far away that they left me, left my life. i was thirteen when she died, still a child. the light in my life disappeared. i blamed myself for her death. maybe i was the reason she killed herself. maybe i was the reason she took her own life, leaving everyone else lifeless too. maybe i was too stubborn, i shouldn't have argued with her when she asked me to wash the dishes or clean my room. maybe i could have been more caring, said i love you to her more often, checked up on her more. maybe i was the reason all of our lives went to shit because maybe, if i didn't exist, she would still be here.

i hugged my pillow as tightly as i could, listening closely to the lyrics, another pathetic attempt of distracting myself. the cigarette i'd lit went out again, my tear falling onto the flame. i couldn't help but wonder why i was still alive, why i hadn't ended things all those years ago. i was so close to it, i regretted not finishing. i regretted not having the guts to just do it as my mum did. there was nothing left for me anymore so what was i living for? i dreaded waking up every morning, always feeling so disappointed that i was still breathing, my heart still beating.