in your eyes

chapter twenty two

lorenz

my ear against the door, i listened to anything she may be saying or doing even. i was just desperate to hear something, anything from her. but she wasn't saying anything, not even moving and everything on the other side of the door was so silent i couldn't even tell if she was breathing.

ever since she read the letter, she had locked herself in her room all day and night, refusing to speak to anyone. it had reached the point where i had to drag her out so we didn't miss our flight. but even here with her dad and my parents and me and even abby who'd come because she didn't want to leave ara alone, she still wouldn't come out. we left food outside her door and for the first few days she didn't eat anything at all until eventually she began eating some things. even then i didn't see her, in fact i hadn't seen her in weeks, no one had. truth was i missed her. a lot. the day she left it left me broken. i wanted to know what i had done wrong, i wanted to make things right, but most of all, i wanted to tell her how i felt, tell her that i loved her.

i longed for her voice, her singing, her presence, her. i'd never felt anything remotely close to what i felt for ara with anyone else, and that's what drove me insane because i had no clue how i was supposed to deal with so many fucking feelings at once, how i was supposed to talk to her and make her love me back. i had no clue what the fuck to do.

i knocked softly on the door. no response.

"ara," i called out. no response. "could you please open the door? it's me, i just want to talk. i'll leave soon, just please open the door. i have to see you. i need to see you."

no response.

"please, mon chérie."

no response.

just as i was about to knock again, it took every ounce of me to force myself to turn around and leave, my legs feeling heavy and slow.

"lo," a voice whispered, ara's voice. immediately i turned around to face her and, well... she was worse, worse than before, worse than she'd ever been. she stood there in a grey tank top that revealed her bony shoulders and her collarbone that was more defined than ever. she'd lost even more weight. her waist was thinner than ever, her stomach sucked into her spine and her legs... i didn't even want to think about it. her hair was oily and in a top knot, the circles under her eyes puffier and darker than ever.

she turned around and went back inside the room, leaving the door the tiniest bit open for me to enter. and i did. i ran after her.

"ara," i whispered and she looked up at me from the floor, teary and blurry and... very drunk.

"lo," she whispered, closing her eyes and burrowing her face in her hands. "lo, lo, lo."

she was so very drunk.

i sat down beside her so we were eye level and put an arm on her knee. "what's wrong?"

she shook her head, remaining silent, before dragging her face away from her hands, eyes still closed, looking crumbled. in some indescribable way, it ruined me.

"darling," i breathed, heartbroken instantly as i examined her pained face. and then i felt it, those feelings of being 'in love' that were just so new to me. and i felt in my chest as it tightened and in my brain, overpowering me and my limbs. i leaned in closer, wanting to touch and soothe and caress, one hand gently trying to tilt her head up to look at me, the other holding hers.

no response.

and the minutes pass, me pleading, ara resisting. these were the moments that made me most anxious, as if i was handling brittle glass, ready to shatter at the wrong touch. i just didn't know what to do to make her better.