in your eyes

chapter fourteen

ara

i couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't sit in peace. my mind raced and i was unable to stop it, the sounds of the voices i'd grown to know so well screaming at me, echoing through my brain. so i decided to go to the place i found peace last. the roof of the shopping centre. inhaling smoke from the cigarette, i made my way to the shopping centre, not letting the rain make me go back. i made my way to the last place i was happy.

i wondered, i thought about it all the time, what it would be like to kill myself because i never really knew. i still couldn't tell the difference, i was never quite certain whether or not i was actually alive. i sat here every single day, distracting myself until the day was over. that's all life was. distractions.

run, i said to myself. run until your lungs collapse, until the wind whips and snaps at your wet clothes, until you're a blur that blends into the background. run, ara, run faster. run until your bones break and your shins split and your heart dies because it was always too big for your chest and it beat too fast for too long and you run. run, run, run until you can't hear their feet behind you, their voices carved into your brain. run until they drop their fists and their shouting dissolves in the air. run with your eyes open and your mouth shut and dam the river rushing up behind your eyes. run, ara. run until you drop dead. make sure your heart stops before they ever reach you. before they ever touch you.

falling to a sudden stop on the roof, i breathed heavily, my chest heaving up and down. my legs ached as sweat dripped from my forehead to the hard ground. i couldn't breathe. i laid down, feeling the cold cement on my back through the thin fabric of my clothing. i was going to do it. i was so tired, so fucking tired of this world. everyday i woke up in pain, every second of my days i was depressed. what was the point of this life anymore? humans were just born to die in the end anyway. i wasn't going to allow others to decide my fate, how i would die, when i would. if my life's going to end, i will be the one choosing how it ends. no one else.

what people didn't understand about depression was how much it hurt. it was like your brain was convinced that it was dying and produced an acid that ate away at you from the inside, until all that was left was a scary hollowness. your mind filled with dark thoughts, that you were worthless, and then there was no hope. i was filled to the top and i was fucking sick of it.

fishing out the large piece of glass that was left in my pocket, the rain soaked me, hiding the tears that were falling onto the ground. i brought the glass up to my wrist and cut. my brain screamed at me to cut deeper, to torture myself more, to cut so deep until i hit a vein. i let the glass fall to the ground, along with the red liquid that was now mixed with the rain. it burned, it burned so badly but i made me feel. i enjoyed the pain, the adrenaline rush. it made me feel something aside from emptiness.

i took deep breaths, pulling my phone out of my pocket. if i was going to end it, i needed to do something before. i dialled lorenz's number.

i had no one else.

"ara i'm sleeping. what do you want?"

i sobbed loudly, not knowing what to say to him, then began laughing because this was what my life had come to and it was fucking hilaroud.

"ara?" he yelled, panicking. "where the fuck are you? what are you doing?"

i bit my lip, letting the rain wash me away. "i'm on the roof. it's long way from the ground. i'm done lorenz, i'm done."

"no! no, please just stay where you are. i'm coming. where are you? please don't do anything. i swear to fucking god, you do anything and i'm going to beat your ass. i'm coming ara, i'm almost there, just stay where you are. it's not worth it!"

i laughed sadly. there was no saving me. it was four am again and i was just getting started. people were boring and i wanted to burn with excitement and anger and bleed, bleed through my words. i wanted to become all fucked up and write real and raw and ugly and beautifully.

"i hope you're safe and calm, and you can stay there. it's safer there, and you wouldn't stand one night on this journey. it's okay lo. i'll stay here and i will never come down. i promise i can fly before i hit the ground. it doesn't even hurt anymore. i swear, it doesn't hurt."

i threw my phone on the ground and stood up on the edge, the sound of sirens filling my brain. it hurt my head. i wanted to die alone. i didn't want them around me. looking down, it was a long way. holding out my hands, i balanced myself as i raised one foot and let it dangle freely in the air. this was it. this was where my story ended.

this was the end.

"ara no!" i heard a voice yell from behind me. i turned around to see lorenz. how had he found me? he was standing there, beaten, broken, his eyes bloodshot red from crying. "please don't do this."

i cried harder, turning around to face him, my back to the ground meters beneath me. "please don't make this harder than it is lo."

"don't do this ara!" he yelled, the vein in his neck looking as if it were about to pop out. "i love you! you're one of my best friends, have been since we were kids. abby loves you, your dad loves you, don't do this."

my heart ached for him. i didn't want him to hurt, i just wanted to end my hurting. "i don't want to hurt you or anybody so please forget about me. just try. find yourself a better friend. you deserve it."

he cautiously walked closer, staring at me with watchful eyes. "i want you ara! for fuck's sake i want you. please get down."

he walked even closer, now close enough to reach out and touch me. he reached out his hand, hoping i'd take it.

"come on ara, take my hand."

i reached out a hand toward him slowly, placing it in his as he held mine tightly, not letting me go. i kneeled on the ledge and took his face in my hands. he was drenched, soaked from the rain and now my blood. holding his face, i smiled sadly at him. and fuck, he was beautiful. his smooth skin, his big hands, him. his kindness, his thoughtfulness, his smile that lit up the entire world because god, he was just so beautiful. i hugged him tightly, his body clinging onto me because he never wanted to let go. it killed me to know i had made him feel like this.

"you have to let me go," i whispered softly.

he began crying again, his grip on me tightening even more. "no no, i'm not letting you go. not again."

no one knew how badly i wanted to stay, how badly i wanted to just step off the ledge and fall into his arms and live. i wanted to live, not just exist, not just survive, really live. take those midnight walks around the block, go on random road trips, smoke weed and watch movies and go skydiving and find someone to love more than myself and make them happy. pick them ugly flowers off the side of the road and bring it to them, only hoping for a small smile to appear on their faces because the appearance of the flowers wouldn't matter if we were so utterly in love. i wanted so much, needed so much. and not your typical get married, have kids situation. i wanted to travel the world, go to libraries, read books and smoke in a field of sunflowers, ride motorcycles and blast music with my friends until it deafened all of our ears. i wanted to live. but i could never do that if i was suffering this bad, i could never do any of it if all i could think of was how to end my life. i could never do it.

but what i could do was free myself.

and that's what i did.

i jumped.

lorenz's screams filled my ears, causing my heart to ache. i didn't want to cause him pain. i didn't want to cause anyone pain. i just wanted to end mine. as i fell through the air, i felt like i was on top of the world. everything was gone. i felt happy. happier than i'd ever been before. and so i flew. i flew through the air, feeling the cold wind slapping my skin. i flew like superman, like fairies and dragons. i flew and flew, until i fell and hit the ground.

my vision went black.