in your eyes

chapter twenty five

ara

"no, i can't stay here any longer!" a voice yelled.

"but she's your daughter! you're just going to abandon her like that?"

"i want nothing to do with her!"

that was followed by a slam of a door.

my eyes fluttered open, adjusting to the bright sunlight gleaming down through the window, and settled on lorenz who was leaning against the door, listening to the conversation that had woken me up.

"lo," i mumbled, my morning voice scaring me for a second. his eyes softened immediately when they landed on me as he moved to sit next to me.

"good morning," he whispered softly. "how are you feeling?"

i sat up a little which made the blanket fall, revealing my pink bra. lorenz averted his eyes as my hands quickly fumbled to pull the blanket up again. "what happened last night?"

"you don't remember?"

i shook my head.

"you almost drowned ara," he muttered, his hand moving to grip mine. "you're lucky i was looking for you-"

"you were looking for me?"

he retrieved his hand, resting it in his lap as he avoided my gaze, muttering a quiet yes.

"why?"

"i got worried, you were gone for too long."

he cared. he cared about me. he went out looking for me because out of everyone else in the world, he had noticed that i was gone for too long. out of every person in this world he noticed me, focused on me, cared about me. it seemed surreal to me, the fact that someone could actually care for me, let alone be in love with me. maybe it was because of my dad, he made me feel as if i was never worthy of love, as if i was nothing. or maybe it was my mum, the person who spent everyday making sure i was happy and that i knew how worthy i was but decided to commit suicide in my bathroom, creating an image in my head that i would never forget. maybe it was abby, the person who claimed she never loved me. whatever it was, it made me feel like i was never worth anything, that everyone else in the world was too good for me.

but now i was sitting in front of someone who was so obviously way too good for me and yet he claimed he loved me and not only that, he showed it. he proved that he did.

"lo," i said slowly. "do you still love me?"

his body tensed at my words. "yeah, of course. as friends, obviously."

that was it.

i could feel my heart shatter in my chest as i suddenly became sick and needed to throw up. my legs ran to the bathroom, crashing down right next to the toilet, letting me puke. i gripped the bowl tightly, my head halfway in there as i threw up everything and anything that was still in my stomach. in that moment, i didn't care that i was half naked and that lorenz could see, but i cared about what he had said. the words he'd so carelessly mumbled that pierced my heart because i was slowly losing him too, yet all i could do was grip onto the toilet bowl tighter, tears falling from my eyes.

i wiped my mouth and leaned against the tiled walls, not realising that he was sitting next to me, looking horrified.

"are you okay? what happened?"

i laughed sadly, wiping away my tears. "nothing, i'm good, i'm fine."

but i wasn't fine. i was far from fine. he had changed his mind so quickly and now he was distancing himself from me again, shutting me out and that hurt me more than anything.