The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Alison

Emily has just driven off, the last of her tail lights disappearing around the corner. I've never in my life wanted anyone to stay as badly as I want her to. I want her to turn around, to come back, to tell me she'll wait out here for as long as it takes while I talk to my husband. I'm not a brave person by any stretch and I really don't want to have this conversation with him; I'm terrified he's already made up his mind. Did he really mean all those things he said?  His words cut so far into my bones, my heart hurts. I can't seem to stop my tears, I also can't stop wondering if this is how Avery felt when I crushed her all those years ago? I am a terrible person, Tom was right.

One thought, though, settles my heart.  For the 2 hours leading up to me sitting on this stoop, I felt cared for and...genuinely loved.  I've been missing that with Jack.  It's been months since I felt that way, hell probably even a few years. He comes home for a few days and he's so hell bent on us having another baby he just wants to have sex.  Don't get me wrong, I do, too, but there are so many other things I need from him that outweigh sex, that outweigh having another child.  Why can't he see this life we are living isn't how we should be raising Mya? It's not what I signed up for, this marriage has become something I never wanted.

What do I want?  How did I go from feeling safe with Emily just a bit ago, to standing here, paralyzed, incapable of walking up my own front steps? If I can't find my courage, how can I even hope to be able to justify why I deceived him?

I want, ...no.  I need Emily in my life.  I feel lately as if she's the only real friend I've got. She is the one person holding my wreck of a life together. It's not fair to her, to unload my problems on her, but she's the only real constant Mya and I have right now.

For some reason, Mya seems to really genuinely like Emily and always asks about her.  And she tells Emily things about me and Jack, I know she does.  I know she told Em about our argument, I overheard them this afternoon.

I think I need to sit on the stoop longer, I can't seem to convince myself to go inside. Mya, Jack, Emily. All these thoughts are swirling in my head. Maybe this is my fault? Is it really truly, at the heart of it all, my fault? Am I the sole reason I'm sitting out here right now? No.  I may have taken the pills, but he wasn't here, he wasn't listening. He's never here.

Mya's bike is lying in the grass next to the stoop, she must have been outside playing tonight.  I'm sad I missed that. Mya.  My little Mya with the sad eyes. Even Emily can see it.

Thinking of how Jack neglects Mya gets my blood boiling inside, I can feel it, I need to talk this out with him for Mya's sake.  She doesn't understand why her dad is gone all the time when he really doesn't have to be. I want Mya to have another parent, I want her to have the best of everything. But I don't think that can happen if I have to keep doing it all by myself. I'm exhausted from trying and I know myself well enough to know I won't make it much longer.  I need help.

All in all I get it, he's hurt by my choice, and I really can't blame him. But if he wants to play that card he needs to hear me, too.  He needs to know the why behind it. How did we even get here, how did we go from those two, madly in love college kids to me standing on the doorstep filled with anger, secretly taking birth control, wondering if he still wants me?  I didn't sign up to be a single parent, I wanted a partner.  Someone to help raise our children, someone who would be home. I should have spoken up years ago when his trips kept getting longer.  Maybe it is my fault it got to be this way?

"Ali?" Jack says swinging the screen door open behind me. "How long have you been sitting out here?"

Busted and the tears are still leaving trails down my cheeks.  "Uh, maybe 5 minutes? Honey, can you sit with me? I want to talk about yesterday," I say motioning to the open spot next to me.