The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Emily

I went for a run straight after work today and I've been at the kissing rock for hours. I keep replaying the last few days over and over again in my head and how I continue to just fuck everything up.

There's a big part of me that wants to just say goodbye to Thomas.  To pick up with Ali, be with her.  When did I get to this point?  How did I get here?  I moved here with Thomas, to be with him.  My head is throbbing and I'm driving the heels of my hands into the sides of my head to make it stop.  I just want this all to stop!  You think I don't get that I did this to myself? That I don't understand how selfish all of this was?  I know.  Believe me I know.

But what I don't know? What I don't know is if I'm strong enough to change any of it.

No matter what I do, what I choose, someone gets hurt. Someone's already been hurt. Ali, Thomas. I'm an idiot because what I've been doing has mostly hurt me.

"Tell me what's going on!"

I can't.

I don't even understand it, how can I explain any of this to you? "It's nothing, please just drop it. I'm telling you that I'm not ready to have kids right now. Why can't you accept that?"

"I can accept that, but I think there's something else going on. I don't think it, Em, I know it. I just don't know what.  This is so unlike you. I mean, are you panicking about our wedding, or is it something else?"

Yes. The wedding.  Marrying you when I think I've fallen in love with Ali.  It's completely fucked me up.

"No, Thomas. Really, I'm okay. You're just reading into things."

I love Thomas. I do, but I continue to have this voice in the back of my head telling me marrying him is a mistake. I'm second guessing myself, I'm second guessing everything with him. Maybe I should go off the pill and agree to trying to have kids with him?

No.

I know that would be a huge mistake. I know I am not in the right mindset to do that right now.  But what if?

What if that's not true?

What if I just don't want kids with him. I feel almost sick inside when I think about marrying him knowing I cheated.  I didn't think I'd feel this way.  I didn't think I'd develop feelings for Ali this significant.  This deep. 

I know becoming Thomas' wife will make him so happy. Having children with him will make him so happy. I want him to find his happiness, everyone deserves that.

Everyone except me.

There's no forgiving what I've done.  Ali hates me, so much so that she's leaving. Saying after June I'll never have to see her again. Never? That makes me feel like I can't breathe, like someone is sitting on my chest slowly crushing me. I ... I can't not have Ali in my life. I can't.  I had to chase after her down the hallway this morning before school and pull her into the supply closet just to get her to talk more.

"What do you mean, never?  What have you done?"

"Not now, Em.  I have bus duty."  Her eyes are bloodshot, I think she was crying when she left the room before.

"So only you get to avoid the hard questions?  Dammit, Ali, tell me!  What did you do?"  She keeps averting her eyes, but I'm not letting her go until she tells me.

"Fine, you really want to know?  I asked for a transfer to a different school and I've also applied to a couple different districts near here."