The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Emily

I know this is just practice and I'm supposed to say "I do," but I don't think I can.   Thomas is holding my hands, watching my face so intently, and he'll be waiting for me to say it.  The look on his face is the same as when he tells me I'm beautiful and when he tells me he loves me.  He's completely present and I have pretty much checked out.  I can barely hear the officiant. 

"Do you, Emily, take Thomas, to be your lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do you part?"

I have no idea if I would have actually said the words or not. Ali never gave me the chance, calling out my name before I could say anything.

"Emily!"

The next few moments slow dramatically.  God, I feel like I'm going to be sick.  I'm watching as Thomas narrows his eyes in confusion, turning to face whomever just said my name, interrupting us.  I didn't need to turn, I knew.

These few moments of confusion are still tumbling by at a painfully slow pace.  Thomas has turned back to me now and I'm still a coward.  I can't even look him in the eye. Ali has taken a few steps forward toward me, but the world quickly sped back up.

Thomas shot his hand out, signaling Ali to stop and I took my chance. I turned to look her in the eye.  I wasn't sure what I'd find, but the pain I caused is still there.  And there's something else. I can clearly see her hands are shaking, something happened. I don't know how I know, but I do. Ali needs me, I need her.  This is it.

"Ali..." I'm discretely shaking my head at her trying to get her to stop.  "Please, it has to be me."

I'm not thinking anymore, I'm reacting to what feels right. It's dead quiet in here, you could honestly hear a pin drop. Every eye in this room is on us trying to figure out what just happened, what Ali interrupting us means. I gently pull Thomas' hand down, and place my hand back in his. "Do you think we could go outside now and talk?"

"What....? What is going on, Em?" I can't bring myself to look him in the eye, so I just squeeze his hand. "Please, come outside with me?"

"Emily?" I can't look, but I pull his hands to my lips and kiss them as my tears start. I watch as they hit his skin and trickle off any which way they can find.

I'm going to try again, "Please, come outside with me. I've asked you so many times tonight and you just aren't listening." He ripped his hands away and stared at me.  I know he wants me to look at him.

"No.  Whatever you have to say, you can say it right here in front of everyone.  I don't have anything to hide."

"Thomas, please."

"Start talking!" His voice is loud and his temper short, causing me to visibly startle.  I may not like to rock the boat, but I will not be talked to this way. His tone was the spark I needed to look up and take him on. He knows this side of me.  It's the same one he saw at Thanksgiving.

"No, I will not! Either everyone in this room clears out, or I walk out right now and you never see me again." I can see he wants to challenge me, to refuse, but he doesn't. I'm honestly relieved, I don't want to just leave him standing here without some sort of explanation.

"You heard her, everyone needs to leave the room." His scathing glare never wavered as he spoke.

"Em?" I look over to find Ali standing her ground.  She's only said my name, but I know she wants to stay.

"Ali, I'm sorry, but this is between me and Thomas." I know her looks so well, I know she's reluctant to leave, but she gives us the privacy I've asked for. Ali doesn't need to be here for this. No one does. What I'm going to say I should have said months ago. I still feel ill, sick to my stomach. I've felt sick for days now.