The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Thomas

I still think something bad happened between Alison and Em, but it was bound to happen in my opinion.  Maybe she finally realized what I've been saying all along was a fairly accurate picture?

Ever since that carnival weekend she's barely breathed two words about Alison, and that was over a month ago now.  I've pretty much had Em to myself almost every night, though, and I love it.  Except for one thing.

She's different.

Different how, though? I've been trying to wrap my head around the differences in her. Maybe distant is the better word, or disengaged? Like she's here but she's not. Something has changed in her, I just don't know what. I only can see differences.

She's been initiating sex way more than she ever has before. Usually I'm the one doing that, but now it's definitely her. I'm not complaining, I'd have sex with her all the time if she wanted... hell...who wouldn't? Within the last month, though, she has been asking me to touch her more, to go down on her. Lately that's the only way I can make her come. But I always feel like she's not 'here,' like her mind is a million miles away.

Another thing I've noticed is that she's laser focused on our wedding. Before? Not so much. She was getting things done, but not going crazy about it. We are getting married in a little over 3 months now so maybe she's just starting to freak out or is getting nervous? I don't know what it is, but she has just engrossed herself in it and has cut Ali out of that, too.

And the evenings before we settle in? She's been going for long runs almost every night. Like 8 to 10 miles, as if she's trying to run from whatever is going on inside her head. When she gets back, she takes a long shower. Our master bath shower has clear glass doors, and I sometimes can see her reflection in the mirror over the sink. She will lean against the wall, letting the water run off her skin, staying like that for 5, sometimes even 10 minutes. She doesn't move, she just stands there, palms braced against the tiled wall, eyes closed.

Oh, and I almost forgot; she's talking about wanting to leave again. 

I wish I knew what she was going through, what she's thinking about all the time.  Dammit, I wish I knew what the fight was about, Em just isn't the same without Ali's friendship.  I know I'm anti-Alison, but I'm not too proud to admit there were a few positive things she did for Em. There are times I almost wish we'd never moved back here. Almost...

Maybe this could be stress? It has to be.  With those two having their fight, having to see her and work together every day and then the wedding planning, it has to be stress.  In three months school will be done, we will be married and she'll have a 3 month break from Ali. We need to just make it 3 months.

Three more months.

I can feel an audible sigh on repeat inside my head. I honestly don't even know if I should do this now, but tonight I want to talk with Em about our family.  About when we should have kids.  It's my birthday today and I turned 30.  I want to start.  I want her to go off birth control before we get married, get a head start.  I know it's only a few months, but I'm so ready.  I'm ready to start this, for her to be the mother of our children. But maybe with everything going on right now it's not right? Maybe I should put that on the back burner? I don't know. I just don't want to be that really old dad when my kids graduate high school, I'm not getting any younger. Em is still so young, she's probably not even thinking about that.

She just got out of the shower, another 8 mile run in for the week.  After she gets ready we are going out to dinner at Rive Gauche to celebrate, then going for drinks before we come home and hopefully celebrate some more.

I can see her coming down the hall, head tilted to the side slipping her last earring in place.  I forgot to mention another change in Em; the clothes she has been wearing.  She went shopping a few weeks ago to get some new work clothes and such and holy shit, everything she wears now accentuates her curves.