The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Jack

I'll be home in about 10 minutes, and I should be excited as I've been gone for almost 6 weeks.  But my stomach is lodged in my throat, and I feel like I could throw up.  I'm sick to my stomach worried that when I walk in, Ali won't be there. 

Maybe if I don't go home I won't have to deal with our problems? That would make me a coward, though, and I'm not. 

It's darn well possible she might not be there. We don't have a home phone so I wouldn't know where she's been or what she's been doing when I call.  That's a scary thought. 

It's a weird feeling not trusting your spouse anymore, always second guessing.  They are the one person you're supposed to be able to trust without exception. Up until finding those pills on the counter, I never had any reason to doubt Ali.  Now that's all I feel is doubt.  Insecurity and distrust have been coursing through me for the past 6 weeks and I've hardly spoken more than a few sentences to her.  She always exchanged pleasantries when I called, but then immediately handed the phone to Mya.

I feel like I don't know Ali, like I missed something in her character.  Did I?  Did I genuinely misjudge her? I don't know, but I think I messed up before I left.  I barely heard her out, I was cruel.  I should have tried harder before I left to make things right, I don't want a divorce.  I want us to be a family again, to go back to us being happy. 

Was Ali ever happy?  That's a question only she can answer I guess.

It's not quite noon yet, and I'm parked in the driveway, frozen in time thinking as long as I don't leave the cab of my truck, the world can just...exist.  Whether I get out of this truck or not, time will continue to pass.  But I can see Ali's car through the garage window.

Breathe.  She's still here.

Doesn't change the fact that I still am scared to death to go inside and see Ali. What if she has divorce papers and is waiting to hand them to me? She said she was done. I just don't know if she meant it.

"Ali?  Are you here?" The house is so quiet I can hear my unsteady breathing and my ear drums feel like they are pounding from my rapid heart beat.

There's no answer, but there are a few dirty breakfast dishes in the sink so she must have been here this morning. I've been through the whole house and the backyard and both are not here. So why is her car here? They can't have walked to the park, it's too cold. Maybe my parents or hers picked them up for the day. All I know is that at least Ali is still here with Mya.

I'm actually a few days early again.  Working through Thanksgiving got all of us done a little faster.  I sent Ali a text to ask where she is and tell her I'm home.  In the meantime I'm going to our room to take a nap.  In my own bed, and it is going to feel so good. 

What the hell?

Ali has boxes everywhere in here, looks like a bomb went off.  I guess she's been going through some of her old stuff in the attic.  There's boxes on the floor next to the bed and a few small shoeboxes on the bed and dressers.

I'm so tired I could sleep on the boxes and I'd still pass out. Ali would kill me though, obviously she saved this stuff for a reason. The shoeboxes on the bed are full of cards and other mementos from our beginning years together. Cards I've given her, ticket stubs, there are so many things in these boxes. She even dried some of the roses I've given her over the years. This is sad, really. Looking through these couple of boxes filled with our time together. There a small piece of paper underneath all the cards and flowers. And I can see it's crinkled, lined notebook paper with my old phone number on it. Well worn and somewhat faded now, it's the paper I gave Ali the day we met at Hollis.