The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Emily

"Final boarding call for flight 327, service to Minneapolis."

"Come on, Ali, that's us." I hold out my hand to help her up out of the seat.  Reluctance is written all over her face as she reaches for me.

"This was a bad idea."

I don't know how I convinced Ali to come with me to Minneapolis to visit my family before the wedding, but I did. Thomas' friends planned a big bachelor party this weekend for him so I asked Ali to come with me to get out of town.

"No it's not, I want you there." And honestly, it wasn't even my idea. My mom suggested I bring her. "And my mother is excited to see you again, she adores you."

Ali and I have convinced each other to do a lot of things since we were in Phillie together.  I even stayed at her house last night so we could get to the Phillie airport for our early flight. But spending the night was twofold. We spent the entire night in front of her bedroom fireplace wrapped in each other's arms.  I don't know what she thinks, but I just crave sex with Ali now, my mind and body ache for her.

I know that what we are doing is emotionally confusing and harmful for both of us. But I honestly can't speak for Ali on what she truly is feeling inside with all of this. For me it feels calming, and satisfying... it feels right. Even though I feel good, I know this secret we have going is hurting her. 

We've been sleeping together regularly for the past 6 weeks, and neither of us can seem to get enough.

I know I am in denial about where I am in my life and this unfair situation I've put Ali in. With Thomas, with Ali, with all of it. Everything I have with Thomas, I know I have with Ali, too. What I'm in denial about is whether the relationship I have with Ali goes far deeper and is more profound than what I have with Thomas.  It's not whether it does, I know for a fact it does and that I should be with her, but I can't seem to admit that to anyone but Ali.

This past month she has gotten aggressive.  I love that she knows what she wants and she's not shy about asking for it.  Ever since Phillie she has been more and more bold initiating with me, and in asking me to choose. She has asked me to leave Thomas so many times in the last month; asking me to be with her instead and break off the engagement.  I have to admit, I've come really close a few times, and then I feel as if I'm about to have one of those massive panic attacks like I did at the kissing rock, and I back out. 

She asks me at least a few times a week, reminding me that I'm running out of time.  That this isn't fair to him, or her.  She never wanted to be that woman who broke up an intended marriage.  Even on days when she doesn't ask me, I can see in her eyes she's thinking it.  I know she's hurt.  And she's absolutely right, it's not fair. It's not fair to either of them.

I've been spending nearly all my free time with Ali, lying to Thomas that she has been helping me with wedding stuff.  He doesn't know, doesn't have a clue what we've been up to.  I feel like it's obvious, though, like he should know something is going on. 

I want him to just catch me, for this to be over with.  He's already caught me so many times when my mind has wandered to thinking about Ali going down on me, or calling out my name as she comes while we are at her house on our lunch breaks. I can feel I'm not present when I'm with him and that my face flushes red thinking of Ali's hands on me.  I feel hot all over and I want to shout out that I can't do this anymore and leave.

He gets irritated because he thinks I'm tuning him out, and he's not wrong.   It's happening so frequently now, that I don't even try to hide it anymore.  He's also woken me up in the middle of the night multiple times saying I was restless and calling out Ali's name.  I don't have any control over that.  I honestly hope it keeps happening, maybe I'll say something else, too, and then this will be over.