The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Jack

Emily is here, she must have stayed the night or something.  But I don't care, I just want my wife back.  I don't want this to end.  This divorce was a mistake.

"I'm sorry, Ali.  Please, I don't want this anymore.  I want to come home."  She keeps saying I broke her, I didn't mean to do that. Everything seems to be in slow motion as she is telling Emily to stay and trying to push me out the door.  No!  Emily needs to go.

"Please, Ali? Please, I want to talk, at least give me that chance?"  Emily is pulling away and she's leaving us to talk. I need this. I need to talk to her before it's too late.

I was so angry, but I realize now that Ali was right. The past didn't really matter because she chose me. I'm an idiot, I couldn't see past that.

I've been going to a counselor and it's helped me. I still think the birth control was a slap in the face, but I can also understand why she did it. She's right, she's absolutely right, Mya needs me.

"What do you want?"  She's defensive, angry...agitated.  Like I interrupted something important.  What's more important than our life?  This divorce is huge, it's a life changer. It's a life ruiner.  It's our life.

"I don't want this divorce.  I want to come home.  We are making a mistake, Ali."  She's nervously glancing at Mya now.

"Mya, honey, please go back downstairs and keep watching tv."

"Again? I was just down they-uh for Emawee, I don't wanna!"

"Now Mya."  I say to back Ali up. Mya huffed and stomped off. Why did Ali send Mya to the basement when Em was here, that's definitely a little strange.  Whatever, I can't think about that right now.

Once Mya's down there and we are sure she can't hear us Ali's demeanor flips. She's cold and her body language is rigid as she stands with her arms crossed.

"You're wasting your time, the answer is no."

"I cut back my work hours." I state matter of factly. It's what she kept nailing me for. "I made my schedule so I'm only gone for 2 weeks at the most now. And I have it figured out that I'll be home at least 2 weeks in between trips."  I can see I've got Ali's attention now, I'm optimistic about this.

But she's just staring at me, the wheels obviously turning in her head. I don't know what she is going to say, I'm nervous we are really going to be over.

A heavy sigh comes out, "Jack, it's too late. How do I know you've really changed any of that? How do I know you're doing it for the right reasons and that your lawyer didn't tell you what to change so you could get more time with Mya?"  The glare I'm getting is angry, ice cold.

My lawyer did recommend I change that, it's true.  But the counselor I see has helped me to understand I did need to make some changes for our family.  Ali won't believe me, though, I won't be able to convince her otherwise.

"It doesn't matter how that came about, the point is that I'm making changes.  The ones you, Mya and I need to move forward.  Together.  As a family."  I've made Ali cry now, the silence just hanging between us.  All I can do is wait, hope, fear; all I can do is plead.

"It does matter," she says.  "It matters to me."  Her voice is so small, filled with the sound of uncertainty, or regret or some other emotion neither of us can put into words.  This is complicated.

"Please? Give me another chance?  Mya wants me back home, you heard her!"

Ali never was good at hiding her emotions.  I could always tell what she was thinking, I never had to guess.  And I don't now either.  She's wearing her rage like a banner across her shirt, her eyes like frigid water about to drown me.

And then it came. 

Both her hands slam down on the kitchen counter.  "How dare you.  How dare you use Mya in this.  That's the lowest form of cowardice, using our daughter to get what you want.  To... to manipulate me! I will not allow you to come in here and do this.  She's 6 years old, Jack.  Six!  She's our daughter, not a pawn in this game you're playing."

"Ali, that was never my intention, never!"

"You let her think you're coming home!  You heard her!  And now I'm the bad guy in this. I'm going to be the reason in her eyes why we aren't together.  She's too young to understand this, it's still black and white for her, don't you get it?!"

"I'm sorry, Ali.  Please!"

"No! I can't do this. I can't be with you anymore.  I need more than what you can give me and if I take you back I'll never know if what you're doing is genuine.  I can't risk that for myself.  I won't risk that for Mya."

"So that's it, you're not even willing to give me a chance? You're just...you're just done?"

"I'm not...I'm... that's not fair of you to say. I feel like you've had so many chances. I've given you so many and you never did anything until you had to. You haven't changed, and even if you have, how would I know it was real? I don't want to be with someone whom I'm not absolutely certain is in this because they want to be. Because they genuinely want to be with me. I can't do this!"

This hurts worse than I ever imagined. I feel like a failure with Ali rejecting me, and that wasn't even the worst thing she said.  What came next stole my breath, and smashed my heart into a million pieces.

"I'm sorry, but in the end, it was you who broke us.  YOU broke me."  She's crying softly as she says this, it's killing me that I did this, that I let my anger ruin us.

"Jack, you broke my heart, and that can't be fixed by anything you say or do."

"Ali, please, I'll do anything! Name it, I swear I'll do anything."  She's shaking her head, I'm losing this, I'm losing her.

"I'm not in love with you anymore."

Ouch.

I don't really have it in me to respond to that, I don't think I can without losing my composure.  All I can muster out is her name.

"Ali..."

"Please, can you say goodbye to Mya and leave.  This was already hard enough with you showing up here unexpectedly.  Just put the us you have pictured in your head in a box, lock it and lose the key."

"What?"  Her words are hitting me like arrows now.   But she's not done.

"I'm serious, Jack.  The life we all had together?  That life has changed, it's different.  That life is gone.  I don't want it anymore.  I don't want it with you."