The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Emily

Can this weekend be over yet? Between Alison and Thomas I think I might have a nervous breakdown.

She kissed me.

I was scared how it made me feel so I ran. I mean literally, I ran. Right to my spot and I sat in the rain for hours battling out in my head what just happened.  It's late January mind you, so I was pretty much an icicle by the time I came down from the clearing.  I thought about going home to Thomas, but I couldn't. 

The longer I sat on that rock, the more I couldn't get Alison out of my head.  That kiss.  It was unexpected for sure, but I can't deny how it made me feel.  My skin felt like it was humming as the electricity ripped across my skin.  I've never had a kiss make me feel like that.  Not ever.

I went back. After hours of sitting on that rock, utterly confused, I went back. I was scared to death and I know I looked like hell, but I needed to go back. Why did Ali kiss me?

Does..does Ali have feelings for me?

Hell, I don't know if she does. I'd never kissed a woman before, but I have now. It's never even been a thought in my mind, until now. Now it's all I can think about.

When I went back, Ali took me to her bedroom to get me into some dry clothes. I guess I was shivering? I wanted to tell her that I didn't give a shit about that; that I couldn't even feel my body anyway.

We kissed again. This time I pushed it, I had to have it. Ali tried to stop us, but I ached to feel whatever it was that I had felt the night before. I wanted that hot, fiery rush, to feel that electrical fire searing across my skin.

I needed it.

Ali was the only person that could give it to me. Thomas has never been able to make me feel the way Ali did in those few stolen moments. And when we kissed again, the feeling only intensified, ripping straight to my core and creating an ache inside me for something I still can't readily identify.

I felt breathless, barely able to say her name, and I was practically panting for more. This is the scary part, the part that makes me question every last thing about being with Thomas.  I didn't know a person could make my body feel like that, that my body could make me want someone that badly.  It makes me question Thomas because I don't feel like that when we kiss; not even when we are having sex.

I'm lost right now, I don't know which way is up, I feel adrift.  Ali is a woman.  I've never been attracted to women, not ever, but I think based off how I feel I'm attracted to her. 

Oh god that kiss.  The fire, the building ache inside me.  It's relentless.

I was ready to just stay in that room with Ali all morning, but Jack had to show up.  Maybe it's good he did?  Did he stop me and Ali from making a huge mistake?  I overheard everything he said.  He wants her back, he acted hastily. He wants to come home. 

Home.

I guess it's for the best he showed up, I needed to leave anyway. Maybe Ali will change her mind. Maybe she'll agree to give him another chance?

Is it selfish that I want her to say no? That I want her to tell him he doesn't deserve her or Mya? Those two are amazing, I can't imagine not knowing them. Ali especially, and Mya is a bonus.

Ali is smart, kind and so compassionate. She puts Mya before herself every time without question. She's been so kind to me, supporting me in whatever I've needed. We get along so well together, and I love spending time with her. Ali probably knows me better than Thomas does, and I'm starting to think that might be bad. If I'm being completely honest with myself, I know that I love Ali just as much as I love Thomas.

I also know that scares me. I love Alison. There- I said it.  Now what exactly that means I'm not entirely sure, but it makes me feel very uneasy. It makes me feel unhinged.

When I got home yesterday morning, Thomas played it cool but I know inside he was livid with me. He did give me a bunch of chances to tell him where I was, but I'm not ready for any of that, I'm not ready to share. With all the thoughts tumbling through my head, not a single one makes sense to me. How can I explain to him what's going on in my head when I don't have any idea myself? How do I explain what happened with Alison when I don't even really know?  I started to try to tell him I wasn't sure, but he misunderstood.  He assumed so many things, I just gave up; I was exhausted.

I was so tired, I didn't want to come to the dress rehearsal or the wedding, that much I know. He knew I was a mess yesterday and I could tell he wanted to press me about Ali but he didn't.  He just skirted around it.

I feel like we are back to teetering on a powder keg.   One minute he seems caring and concerned, then the next he is making comments about Ali.  I am fucking exhausted, he's lucky I even came to the damn wedding. 

He doesn't know that my head is a mess, that everything is confused and jumbled.  Even when I have sex with him, I'm confused now.  Before the rehearsal dinner yesterday he came up behind me in our room and started touching me. I'll admit it felt good, but truth be told my mind drifted and I felt so relaxed. I let myself explore a place in my head where Ali was touching me, making me feel good. I was so into it, ready to call out her name and lose my last thread of coherency to her. I opened my eyes, though, reality slowly came into focus. It was Thomas touching me, not Ali, yet I had very nearly called out for her.

Tell me that's not confusing?  Tell me this is all a fantasy world or virtual reality of some sort?  I need to just get through my head that being with Ali like that cannot ever exist as a reality in my life. 

I'm with Thomas.

I'm going to marry Thomas.  I'm not attracted to Ali, it's just a drunken crush, a dumb wine induced thing she and I did.  We kissed, big deal.

I'm hashing out so many things in my head I can't imagine what people must think of me as I sit at this wedding reception.  The reception is honest to god awful. But at least I've had time to work my way through the bar.  I need to forget anything ever happened with Ali.  I've drank a dozen cocktails at least and am feeling pretty good so that ought to help.  Thomas and I are some of the last people to be at the reception, he has been eyeing me up all night; and he's getting grabby.

"Let's go upstairs, Thomas.  Come on."  We've barely made it into the elevator and he's doing his damndest to get my dress off.

"Thomas! Slow down, we are almost to the room."

"I can't help it, I want you." I drag him out of the elevator to our door and we slip in.  Thomas is definitely drunk, and I'm pretty much there.  Once I got to that point it shut out the thoughts in my head.  It kept me from thinking about yesterday with Ali. I want Thomas to take me tonight.  I need to prove to myself I'm not into her so I'm letting him stake his claim on me.  I need to prove that Thomas is who I'm supposed to be with.

But I'm back.  I'm back in Ali's bedroom, falling into her warmth, fire ripping across my skin as she touches me.  Her kiss rendering me helpless as I let myself become lost in her.  I can feel her arms around me pulling me close as I breathe out her name, begging her for more. 

My voice pushes out her name, low and raspy like it always is in the morning and I slowly blink my eyes open.  A quick glance over my shoulder and I see Thomas, his arms around me.  We are wrapped up in the bedsheets  and he's still out cold.  I didn't prove anything last night, because I'm pretty sure I had a sex dream about Ali.

What's worse is even though I know it didn't really happen, I feel like I just had the most amazing, sensual sex. I know Thomas wasn't a part of that for me at all because it's not his name I called out in my sleep. 

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Thanks for all the reads, everyone❤️.  So many of you are hollering for Emison to happen already, I hear you, I do.  If you've read my other story then you know these things take time.  They're getting there, just a little more patience!

As usual please feel free to comment and or vote as you see fit.

❤️Jen