The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Emily

"Em?"  I know he's talking to me, but I can't bring myself to speak. I should have done this 3 weeks ago like my mom told me to. Hell, I should have done this months ago, but I'm a coward.

He's been squeezing my hand, but I'm not responding. But now he's gone too far, he just doesn't know it.  He gently squeezed my thigh and that's not okay with me.  It's what Ali does to calm me.

That's Ali's thing. That's our thing.

"Em? I've been calling your name. What's up with you? You're acting strangely."

"Just... can we not talk right this second?  I'll be fine, but I just need to not talk for a little while."  I've grown to hate how comforting he tries be all the time. I'm not as fragile as he thinks. "Stop...trying so hard all the time."

That finally got him to leave me alone. I just need some time to think. I only have about 10 more minutes until we're there. FUCK!

What the fuck am I going to do?

Why couldn't I have done this months ago? I have to do this tonight. This is so much worse than if I had just done it at our house, now we have an audience. Now it's going to embarrass both of us... and our parents. And Ali... I've completely crushed her. I don't even know if she's going to show up tonight.

I invited her and Mya, and before you judge me, just let me finish.

I love Ali with every last breath within me, and Mya, too.  There's no part of me left that feels anything for Thomas.  There's not a single piece of me that wants to marry him, and I try like hell to avoid having to kiss him anymore. 

Funny how this worked out, though. 

Every morning when I leave the house he kisses me goodbye, and I feel like I'm cheating on Ali.   Now that's fucked up. 

God, why didn't I do this before tonight?  I was so sure we would've been caught by now with how careless I've been.

"Babe?  We're here.  Walk in with me?"

Dammit that 10 minutes went fast. I need more fucking time, but he's standing here holding out his hand...waiting.

"Em?"

"... you can go in, I want to touch up my makeup quick, then I'll be along."

"I can wait for you."  Jesus Christ, stop being a fucking gentleman all the time, it's exhausting!

"It's fine Thomas, just... go in."  Let's be real, I didn't do a damn thing to my makeup, all I did was buy myself 5 minutes. I know I'm only delaying the inevitable.  I got out of the car and leaned against the door so I could stare up at the sky.  God what a fuck show I've created for myself.  A few deep breaths, and I happened to catch sight of Ali with Mya by the door.

She came?! 

She came. 

I can do this, I can let Thomas go.  Look at Ali, she's everything I've ever wanted.  I just have to let him down and then I can be with her, with Mya.  Just thinking of being with Ali, living together, being there for Mya makes my heart ache.  I long for that, for how I feel when I'm with them.  I'm so close to what I want, it feels like Ali and I are already together.  Like we are already a couple. The thought stings my eyes with tears, but I quickly blinked them away.  I need to keep it together, I can lose my shit later.

Fuck, pull it together!

I definitely need a stiff drink because this is going to get ugly and fast. Once my eyes cleared, I went inside.  As I passed Ali in the waiting area, I quietly told her to meet me in the bathroom.  I can see Thomas has shots waiting at the bar so I quickly headed over, he read my mind.  I can see he's dumbstruck, I just downed it without a word.  The burn trailed down my throat, rich and gratifying, but it wasn't nearly enough to help me work up the nerve to break up with Thomas. I flagged the bartender motioning for another round.