The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Alison

I'm not even sure the last 15 minutes with Emily have been real.  Between today's events and the merlot I've been drowning myself in I feel like there's a good chance I'm hallucinating.  My heart is pounding out of my chest, and it's as if I'm in some altered state.  Just a few hours ago I was in a courtroom, and now? Now I have the one person I've wanted for months, pinned against my front door stealing harsh breaths as I press my body against her.  God I want her.

And she wants me, too.

The seconds are ticking by and I can't think fast enough of a reason to get her out of going back to work. There's already a sub there for me, it would look bad if she were suddenly gone, too. I don't want to let her go, but she'll be late. Worse than her calling in last minute would be leaving a room of 5 year olds unsupervised for even a moment.

But she's coming back tonight, against every alarm bell sounding in my head, I asked her to come back.   She says she wants this, that she knows the consequences. That I need to let her decide for herself what's wrong and what's right. This will hurt Tom in the end. Somehow, this will catch up with her...with me.   And Tom will hate me even more.
Worse is that he will hate Emily; it could end them.

This is wrong and I know it, but I want her.

I need her.

I stare at Em walking back to her car, each sway of her hips is causing every nerve in my body to fire. We are both crossing a line tonight, I know it. Can I justify any of this? Em told me she has feelings for me. Does she owe it to herself to explore those feelings before she makes a mistake. Is it a mistake to let myself feel this way?  For us to be together tonight? A mistake for her to marry Tom? I don't know why I continue to question this, why I continue to worry.  I want Emily.

I'll choose her every time.

I'm going to listen to her, take her advice.  I'm going to stop caring what everyone thinks of me, what they might say. I'm not perfect, I have so many flaws. I'm not the Kindergarten teacher that everyone knows and thinks I am. I'm tired of being put on some pedestal to be held to a higher standard than others, I make mistakes, too.  Emily knows all this, and she loves me anyway.

Tonight is my first night as a single woman.  My first night that I'm no longer Jack's wife.  Tonight is about me and Em, no one else will matter. No one else will exist. I want things to be perfect and I need to be clear headed.  Why did I drink all that wine?

I've got about 4 hours now that I look at the clock. Four hours until Em comes back. This time, though, she won't be on my bed, she'll be in it. With me.  That thought just sent an intense ripple shooting through my body.

I'm losing time the longer I stand frozen here watching her drive away back to the school.  I've got 4 hours to get sober and get ready for her.  Everything has to be perfect. I want Em's first time to be... perfect.

No, wait. 

I want her first time with a woman...with me, to be indelible. I want her to crave more than just this one night with me.

The water I've been downing non stop to get the wine out of my system is working, I'm feeling much more clear headed.  I cleaned up the house, changed the sheets on my bed and just finished showering.  I'm still stuck on making this night unforgettable, not only for her but for me, too. I'm leaving my hair down, it's getting so long it falls in waves down my shoulders and back. I've done my makeup, too, I want to look good. I usually have a hard time choosing what to wear, but not tonight. I know what I'm going to put on, to show her she's special to me. I don't wear it often, but I think I look good in it. You know how every woman has their own version of a little black dress? Well I have one, too. It's strapless, with a sweetheart neckline and hugs my curves. I'm also wearing a black, lacy strapless bra and matching thong.