The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Emily

I hate teaching without Ali, it's so much extra work because the subs don't know the curriculum, the students test them to see what they can get away with and then I end up doing everything. Ali and I have fallen into this groove in our classroom, like a well-oiled machine, and when she's not here, it falls apart. When she's not here, I miss her.

When she's not here,  I fall apart.

I'm lost in my head as I sit at my desk, I'm dying to see Ali.  The kids are gone from the room in music class so I can think.  I can think about the weekend, about her.  I couldn't wait to get home yesterday, but every mile ticked by in slow motion. Each mile brought me closer to seeing Ali. I wanted to see her, to talk to her, to ask her what she was going to do about Jack. But I know I shouldn't be in the middle of that, or be the reason she changed what she might be thinking. It isn't my place. I can't tell you how hard it was to not go to her house when I got home.

I feel terrible about this, but she texted after I left her house Saturday, asking me to come back, to talk to her, but I couldn't bring myself to respond. Plus I never told her about that wedding I had to go to, I'm sure she thinks the worst of me, that I think everything was a mistake.  That I was just feeling the moment and now I regret it.

I don't. Not for a second.

I know her divorce hearing was today, that's why I'm stuck with this substitute sitting across from me.  If I wouldn't get in trouble I'd burst out of this school and run as fast as I could straight to Ali's house.

I had to settle for seeing Mya this morning outside her classroom. She told me she's staying at her grandma's tonight, which means what...?  Did Jack convince her, or is he leaving?  I have this need to know, it's like a dull ache I can't shake. 

My lunch is in 45 minutes, and I've made up my mind. I'm going to her house.  I'll only have about 20 minutes to stay once I get there, but I have to go. I need to see her, and make sure she's okay. I need to make sure she and Jack are over. If they're not, I think...

I think my heart will break.

I stuck the sub with my lunch duty and am just about to pull onto Ali's street when I see Thomas walking off her porch. I can't even describe the anger that just ripped through me, what the fuck is he doing here? If he said anything even remotely rude to Ali, I will make him regret ever showing up here.

Once he drove off and I could tell he wasn't coming back, I parked in his spot.  Now I can't move. My body just went hot and I'm having trouble breathing. I'm nervous.

That's not entirely true.

I'm desperate.  I'm so desperate to see her, but I'm also afraid of what I'll find when she opens the door. Will it be Jack next to her, or will it just be Ali?

I know I only have about 20 minutes but I'm having a hard time with this.  I'm all over the place in my head with what the hell I'm thinking even being here right now.  Ali makes me want things I've never wanted before.

I've been doing things, that deep down, I know are unfair to Thomas.  But I keep justifying them.  I'm not harming anyone so what's the big deal? 

It was just a kiss.

I keep telling myself that, but then I remember how good it felt.  How when I looked at Ali I felt my breath steal away.  Even now my eyes are unfocused and my breath is catching in my throat.

That wasn't just a kiss and I know this because I dreamed about her.  About her touching me in ways only Thomas has. I know it wasn't just a kiss because for two nights in a row now I have called out her name in my sleep.