The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Jack

I'm so sorry for the delay!  Life just got busy lately and time seemed to escape me ❤️
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"What are you getting at, Ali? Huh?!" I can't just quit or cut back my hours, I own the damn company.  What the hell does she want from me?  I mean I get where she is coming from about Mya, but we're adults and this isn't a fantasy world where everything is magical and works out perfectly.  Obviously I messed up somewhere tonight because she walked straight up to me, got right in my face and absolutely wrecked me.

"I can't do this anymore. We're done, Jack. Get out."

I'm not sure how we got here after 8 years of marriage and Mya, but she's done?  That's it?  Done.  What the fuck just happened?  I can't believe she has the nerve to stand here telling me she's done after what she did!  I never dreamed she'd do this to me.  I never thought she, Ali, would be capable of lying about something as important as this.  I'm angry, betrayed, hurt, devastated...sad. 

And my heart. My heart...

I'm not sure I can explain, but I think this is what being broken feels like.  I love Ali, with everything in me.  I put her and Mya first in everything.  The thought of them not being there is sending searing, hot panic to my brain and all I see is emptiness without them in the picture.  Empty, quiet, lonely and abandoned space.  A clenching around my heart, a tight feeling of having no one. Without Ali, without Mya, what am I even here for?  Who am I?

I'm rooted to the concrete porch step, I'm not leaving them, it's not happening.  I stand my ground and demand answers.

"What do you mean you're done?  What does that even mean, Ali!?"

Her eyes. They're cold and dark, full of disappointment in me. Full of regret and hurt and most of all full of venom.

"I will not stand here and be talked to like that. Don't you ever tell me what I will and will not do again. So help me god I'd rather be alone than married to someone who orders me around, I'm not your employee!"  The hatred spilling forth behind her words I swear is leaving marks on my skin. She's barely maintaining control in her voice, each word shaking and low as it comes out from her clenched teeth.

She's not done either, "In eight years you still don't even know me. And you don't know Mya either. You're an arrogant, self righteous man, Jack Ehrens. 'Stop taking those pills' you said. I'll stop taking those pills when you get the fuck off my porch."

She's right. I fucked up, what was I thinking telling her she was not to take the birth control? But I can't go, I won't. I think it'd be even worse if I left, she could just say I left again like I always do when I go to work. But I'm fucked either way, I start my next job in 2 days and will be gone for 6 weeks.

There's nothing I can say, the Ali I know is lost to her emotions, locked behind her set jaw and her fierce protective instinct over Mya. But I try anyway, I have to.

"Please, Ali. Don't do this. Don't throw this away."  I can see her eyes have softened a little, so I keep going, "I don't want to be without you, I don't want us to be apart this month with things left badly between us."  Ali's eyes have dropped, and I can see now that I should have just shut my mouth.

"You were never going to be the person I needed you to be, and I'm sorry that I couldn't see that until it was too late."  She looked up to tell me this, sincerity now in her eyes, but all I feel is utter defeat. I now see this conversation had been over before I ever even sat down next to Ali on the stoop. I never had a chance.

Ali's no longer crying, but I am. I just realized I'm sunk to my knees on the walk, and I hear myself begging her to talk more with me.

"Please, I just want you to leave. I don't want to have to wake Mya and go. It's easier if you just agree to go."

I'm struggling to find the strength to stand, to actually agree to her request and walk down my sidewalk, get in my truck and drive away.  I don't agree, but what choice do I have that's not going to end in more shouting, tears and upsetting Mya? I can't stop, I have to try one more time, my heart won't let me just walk out tonight.

"Ali, I'm begging you, please let me stay.  Mya will be..." I choke out and am cut off with a last blow to my gut stinging with what I know to be the truth, "Mya won't know the difference."

Stale silence is hanging in the air, neither of us expecting the other to speak, both of us feeling our own unique pain.  Ali stepped to the side of the path leading to my truck to make room for me to pass. Her arms are crossed and she's rigid, but I am still a gentleman. I pause in front of her before I walk past and bend to kiss her on the cheek.  She pulled away as I was leaned toward her, rejecting me.  I exhaled heavily and pursed my lips turning toward the house as a passing car illuminated the door.

Mya.

She's standing in front of the screen door, staring through it with her palms flat against the screen.  How long has she been standing there?  What did she hear?  I don't know because the house was dark and her tiny frame was hidden.  Ali doesn't know she's there yet.

"Please, the longer you stall the harder you are making this.  Just leave."

"Ali, please.  Mya's at the door.  Don't do this," I say.  We both turned, startled back to the immediacy of our life with the creak of a door hinge.

"Daddy?  Mommy?  Why you out here?  I woke up and came to find you."

I can't leave tonight, I can't.  Ali would be cruel to still expect me to leave with Mya standing right there.  I quickly adjust my trajectory and take a step to go pick up Mya, but Ali is already to her, arms around her explaining.

"Daddy can't stay tonight, he has some work to do at his office."  Dammit, she's looking past me, through me. She never was good at holding eye contact when we were in tough spots, tonight is obviously no exception.

This was a low move for Ali, trapping me and using Mya to her advantage.

"Will I see you tomowo, Daddy?" Mya asked me in her small, sleepy voice. I look to Ali, wondering that same question myself. She nods, "Yes, Daddy will be here tomorrow to say goodbye before he leaves on his work trip again."

Mya can't see my face clearly, I'm in the shadow of the giant oak tree looming over our house. There are steady tears slipping down my cheeks as I choke on my goodbye and turn to head to my truck.

Once I'm in, I sit, unable to drive away. I pull out Mya's picture from underneath my frisbee and I can't seem to look away from it for more than a moment. That moment was all I needed to look up and see Ali on the phone in the living room.

A half hour later and I'm still in my truck parked on the street when a car showed up and parked behind me. I can't see who it is, but I can tell it's a woman and she's headed up to my front door. This must be who Ali called I can only assume. When my front door opened, the woman paused in the door frame long enough to give Ali a generous hug. She turned just briefly to close the door behind her, but clear as day that was definitely the teacher from work, Emily. I can't help but bristle inside wondering if she knew my marriage was likely over before I did? Who is this girl that Ali has latched onto? I've never seen her latch onto anyone this quickly, with the exception of me I guess. I don't know Emily, but I hope Ali can manage to keep some of our private life private. I send a quick text to Ali letting her know I'll be by at 5 pm tomorrow to say goodbye and try to hash out a couple things. I know those 2 are friends, but Emily doesn't need to know everything about us. I don't think Ali should forget that she is married to me, not her.
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Again I apologize for my absence in updating. As a reward for your patience, I'm going to get out the next chapter by Saturday.  You're in for a treat because it's Emily up next❤️

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