The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Alison

It's December and I haven't been to Emily's house in a few weeks, I've got enough problems without having to worry about Tom cutting me down every chance he gets. It's exhausting and I can only take so much.  I've been filling a lot of my time going through some boxes from the attic over our bedroom.  I've got a small shoebox next to me I've been slowly picking through.  It's all stuff from when I was with Avery; I haven't looked through it in years.  It's full of photographs, love letters and notes, ticket stubs, etc.  Since Jack is still gone for another week yet and I don't know which way is up or down or where we really stand, I didn't think there'd be any harm in revisiting some old mementos. I left Avery behind for Jack, so maybe this box will help remind me why I did.

Jack still calls every night like he always has while on his work trips. I used to get excited when he'd call; another adult to talk to, someone to chat with. I always missed him wishing he were here and not there. I think since he left, he's really only calling to talk to Mya to be perfectly honest. When I answer the phone it's beyond awkward now. Neither of us has much to say to the other, so I usually put Mya on right away.

As awkward as it is and with how little I have to say to him, you'd think I'd have wasted no time contacting a lawyer.

I haven't been able to bring myself to do it yet.

Divorce.

Do I really want one? Was I completely serious before when we were arguing about the baby? I told him I was done and to get out. To get the fuck off my porch. I feel like I'm going to cry just thinking about the hurt look on his face.

I can't.

No! I can. I have to do this, I have to protect Mya. I envy my daughter, she has me to protect her and I know how much I love her and the lengths I would go to to do just that. But who is going to protect me? I've lost count of the number of times in the last few years it would have been nice to have someone there at night to hug me. Someone who was all in with me, who was physically present. Someone who was here. It's painfully obvious to me now that is what I wanted all along.  Why didn't I speak up before.  Why didn't I speak up for what I needed?

I need to do this. Just as much for myself as for Mya.  My parents will be disappointed in me. Disappointed I couldn't cope with this, just overall disappointed in everything about this mess.

I hate disappointing people.

But what about me? What about how I feel? I'm completely and utterly disappointed in Jack, he's made it clear he's not going to change. I'm sorry, but when your family is suffering, you don't get a choice. When you have a child, their needs come first. I feel like he can't see that, like he doesn't understand.  Why can't he see that Mya is hurting, that she's slipping away from him.  Why can't he see that she needs more?

Everything is a mess right now.  I'm starting to think Emily is, too.  I haven't been going to her place, but she's been coming over here fairly often.  She's expressed on more than one occasion how embarrassed she was by Tom at Thanksgiving and has repeatedly apologized for him.   For someone so young, she certainly has had her fair share of struggles already.   I also think she and Tom are having problems and that it's likely because of me.  Tom has a serious problem with me having anything to do with her, but I can't really control that.  We were assigned to the same classroom.  I didn't have any control over that.  I didn't even know Emily before this school year started.  I'm not sure Emily would ever admit to me that she was struggling with Tom, but I can see it in her face; I hear it in her voice.

I can't help but feel like that's my fault.

If I'd never been with Avery, Tom wouldn't be so angry.  If I hadn't dumped Avery, Tom wouldn't hate me. If I weren't around Emily, Tom would be happy and she  wouldn't be strained in her relationship with him.  Maybe I should stop hanging out with Emily so much, give Tom time to calm down?  I could talk to her about it on the way to Phillie this afternoon. I'd have plenty of time since I promised I'd go wedding dress shopping with her.  Mya is coming, too, Emily insisted on bringing her along.