The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Alison

Em is gone.  I ruined everything.  This one hurt, even more than Jack walking out.  All I've got left in the world is Mya.  But I took Em away from Mya, too, she just won't understand.

She was so close to me last night, I tried so hard. I tried to distance myself these past few weeks, but last night I was weak. I swore I wouldn't act on my emotions, I tried. I didn't want to say anything, but she was right there. And she was vulnerable, and I took advantage of that. And now I'll pay for that the rest of my life. I've robbed myself and Mya of the one person who was truly our friend.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I'm still on the couch.  I've just been sitting here staring out the window endlessly crying.  I don't know how there could be any more tears in me, or even what time it is.  There's no sunrise this morning either, it's just gloomy, storming and dark.  A perfect way to mark today as the start of me really being alone.  No Jack, no Emily, no nothing.

Mya won't be up for a few hours yet, so I'm left to my own destructive thoughts.  By the time she does get up I'm going to be so tired, so it's off to the kitchen for my first of many cups of coffee today.  I'm so glad it's the weekend, this coming Monday working with Em is going to be bad enough.

Well the coffee didn't work because I woke up to Mya jostling me saying there was someone at the front door.  I'm still talking to her as I open the door and when I turn around I'm face to face with Emily. It took me so long to answer the door that she's soaked from the driving rain and she's visibly shaking.  We both look like hell, both of us are frozen in place, and neither of us can look away until Mya yells for me to let her in. 

I swing the storm door open and stand to the side for Em to walk by.  Immediately Mya leapt off the couch and hugged her, but there's not time for that just now.

"Mya, I need you to go to the playroom downstairs to watch tv and you will stay there until I tell you to come back up."

"Mommy, nooo!  I want to stay by Emawee!"
I am never this stern, but I need Mya to disappear so we can speak openly. I shorten my tone and am almost telling.

"Now, Mya!" I've scared her and she thinks she's done something wrong, but she goes. I can fix that later, right now I'm hanging on by a thread and the one person who can fix me is standing in my entryway.

Once I'm sure Mya is downstairs and the tv is on, I turn back to Em. I'm about to say something, but I can see she's wearing the same clothes as when she left my house.

"I'm so sorry, I crossed a line last night with you."  Emily is just staring at me, bags under her eyes as big as mine.

"Em, please say something.  I've been up all night trying to figure out how to fix this.  I screwed everything up."  She hates me, this silence is slowly burying me little by little.

"I didn't go home last night."  I can barely make out her words, but she's talking.  I just let her keep speaking.  She's standing, one arm across her body with her hand locked onto her other arm.  She does this when she's nervous, trying to hold herself close, trying to make her body smaller.

"I sat on the kissing rock all night...thinking."
All night? She must be freezing, it poured for hours this morning.  "I was scared."

I start to apologize but she cuts me off.

"You didn't scare me, I scared myself. I couldn't handle it so I left and went to the one place that I feel like myself."  I know she goes up there to think.  Had I known she was there I'd have gone after her. 

"Where does Thomas think you are?"  I'm legitimately worried about this, he already dislikes me.  This would be another reason.

"Don't worry about him, I'm tired of talking about him."  I nod searching her eyes for any indication of whatever it is she might be feeling.  I'm at a loss.