The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Avery

I've been doing these trainings for around 4 years now I guess, and lately it has been getting pretty stale for me.  I live full time in Phillie, but my area to put on these trainings encompasses much of the east coast.  Let me tell you, this was never what I thought I'd be doing.  I wanted to be a reading teacher, to slowly change the world one classroom full of kids at a time.  And I was working toward it, I had put just over three years of hard work into my core education classes at Hollis.  I had one year to go. One year.  But that one year?

It nearly ended me.

You know how it is, as you get more and more focused in your major, the classes get smaller and smaller.  Until there are only like 10 or 12 of you, especially at a small college like Hollis. I was so comfortable, confident. My girlfriend and I had been together for 3 years, we were going through the teaching program together. She wanted to work with really little kids, I was more interested in upper elementary. We had almost all our classes together, working through the same cohort, we were even living together off campus in a small studio. 

I loved her, she was everything to me.  I had been saving for over a year and worked up the courage to buy an engagement ring; I was going to propose to Ali.  I wanted her to be my wife, I wanted it more than anything I could ever remember.

I had it all planned, too. There was this beautiful oak tree in the quad, we always would sit under it to study, eat lunch or have our coffee dates. It was our spot. I would propose, we'd both graduate a year later and then we would get married. We'd apply for jobs, move somewhere...anywhere we wanted. It was perfect, right?

Well it was until I lost my nerve. I was pretending to be reading while we sat in the quad, but I was actually silently panicking, trying to  think of what I was going to say. I wanted it to be perfect. A proposal should be unforgettable, right? I sat there forever, and lost my nerve. We were coming back to the quad the next day, meeting under the tree for coffee, so I decided to wait. Biggest mistake of my life.

I lost her.

Here one day and gone the next. I came home between my morning classes to grab some books I forgot and I caught her. She was packing her things. Leaving. She told me we were over, that she'd met someone else and knew we were not meant to be together.

She should have just killed me, I mean she pretty much did.  I was just a shell of a person after she left, she could have at least just finished me off.  I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't think.  I barely passed the semester. It was too hard to go to the classes because Ali was there. In every one of them.

I couldn't.

If it hadn't been for my friend, Tom, I would have failed for sure. But that one semester? It was enough to ruin my gpa. It ruined a lot of things for me, including any chance of my resumé being a viable contender for a teaching job.

The day after she moved out, I heard she was dating a guy. A guy. I'd never even heard of him, he didn't even go to Hollis.  All I know is his name was Jack, and 6 months later she married him.

Have you ever had to hear the person you were in love with tell you they didn't want you anymore?  Tell you they found someone else.  Have you ever bought a ring to propose and never been able to give it?  When I heard she was married, I think a small piece of me died.  Or broke?  Or... I don't know.

Of course, Tom knew I had wanted to marry her, he was one of my best friends. But I never told him I had bought the ring. That I was going to propose that day. I wanted it to be a surprise, for everyone. I never even told Ali, I just let her go.

Guess the joke was on me.

Being at Hollis turned into my own private hell, and only I was privy to the full extent. I saw Ali around campus with him all the time. I eventually stopped going out because I couldn't bear it. Whoever Jack was, he had the happy ending that was just out of my reach. I don't know, if I hadn't chickened out, if I had just proposed that afternoon under the oak tree, would things be different? Would Ali be my wife? Would I be a teacher? That's the hardest part for me, I'll never know.