The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Alison

I can't help how I feel. I mean, honestly, ask yourself if you really truly believe you can control who you fall in love with? I'm being serious. Think about who you love and how you got there. I love Emily; and I cannot see any other way in which this scenario could have turned out. The answer is simple if you haven't already come to the conclusion that I have.  You can't control it. It's this amazing gift that can fill your heart until you feel as if it could burst and at the same time bring you to your knees filled with utter anguish.

If you think for one second that you can control who you fall in love with, who you're attracted to, you're only fooling yourself. 

Right now I'm on the bottom end of this love.  Why can't Emily see that we should be together?  Why can't she see past everyone else's opinion?  Emily would be happy with me.  I'd be happy with her. 

At least I had that happiness for one night.  Deep down I know I continue to refuse to accept that I've lost.  She's not married yet, this little voice in my head reminds me that I haven't lost yet.  You wouldn't believe the crazy things I've thought of doing to win over her heart from Tom... and I haven't completely ruled them out.  But I want Emily to choose me of her own power, not because I did something crazy. 

I want Emily to choose me because she wants to, because she was brave enough to stand up for herself and choose her own happiness above all else. 

Well, that is if I'm lucky enough to be the person who makes her happy.

It's early April now...and Emily is getting married in 2 months. I'm running out of time.  I don't want to forget we met, I don't want her to forget me.  I don't want to leave our job! 

Why can't she see what's sitting right next to her? Me! I love her and I can't seem to get her to see past her insecurities with everyone else around her.  And now we have that damn conference starting today and I have no idea how this weekend is going to go.

There was a huge elephant in the room when we found out we were going. Except no one could see it but me and Em.  I know we were both thinking it, dreading it.  I mean what are the fucking odds of that even happening?  A weekend.  Together.  In the same hotel room?

FUCK.

Really, what the actual fuck? We are both crammed into the furthest backseat of the district mini van right now with four other teachers from school, on our way into Phillie for the first day of training. Ella is driving and has some awful music on the radio. Those four are deep in conversation about some teacher squabble that happened in the lounge yesterday. Neither Em nor I are even listening to it, sitting side by side in awkward silence. We've been on the road for 10 minutes now without so much as a word until I hear Em's hushed whispers.

"Is this how it's going to be all weekend? We aren't going to talk to each other? It's going to be a long weekend if that's the case."  The backseat is the smallest in the van, our arms and legs touching as we sit here. No way to avoid it, but my skin feels as if it's on fire. She's in skinny jeans and this navy striped sweater that is hanging off her shoulder. I so badly want to put my hand on her thigh while we sit here.  I would if we were together, if we were a couple.

"What do you want to talk about, Em? Your wedding? My divorce? What we did?" I dropped my voice at the last part but apparently not low enough.

"Keep your voice down!" Em hissed.

"I don't have anything to hide. I'm not ashamed of that."  I'm whispering now, for her sake. I get it, this isn't for everyone's ears.

The past month has been bumpy with Em. We've managed to start to hang out again outside of work only a couple times, but there's always this tension between us. It's so obviously sexual, and I can feel the way Em looks at me. Like she wants us to hook up again. Hell, I want to, but I never allow myself to act on it. She asks to meet at my house, but I always suggest we hang out in public now, like The Brew or the Apple Rose Grille. This way I'm protecting Mya, too.