The Dance Between Darkness and Light (girlxgirl)

Alison

I feel terrible canceling on Emily.  But I need to do this, to give Avery some time.  I need to give her closure.  I was cruel all those years ago.  I know Em is concerned about what Avery might say to me, but it has to be done.

"Please be careful tonight, I don't want to see this woman hurt you after all this time."

"Thanks, Em, but I think I'll be okay. I mean how bad can this be? We're both adults, she can't be that terrible, right?"

I'm nervous, I mean let's be honest. I haven't seen Avery in years. Years. But somehow she looks the same, maybe even better than when we were together. I'm a little self conscious, I'm not in as good of shape as I used to be and well, I had Mya, too. Nothing I can do about that, and I'm not here to impress anyone so I guess I'll just have to own who I am.

I'm Ali; divorcée, mother, teacher... I hate using labels to define myself, and when others do it to me, too. Why can't I just be Ali?

I saw Avery walking into the lobby before she ever saw me. She's taller than I remember, a little taller than Emily I think. She really looks great, and I feel a little underdressed. Hopefully she doesn't want to go somewhere too fancy.

"Ali, I'm so glad you showed up.  I have to admit I was worried you might change your mind."  Trust me that I thought about it.  Many times today I just figured I'd go out with Emily instead.  I'm second guessing myself right now, wondering why the hell I agreed to this.

"Avery, I've gotta say I'm surprised you're even speaking to me.  I can only imagine what you must think of me?"

"I don't hate you, Ali.  That's the honest truth. And we can stand here and have this conversation, or we can catch a cab, I can take you to dinner and we can talk. What'll it be?"

"Let's go."  I really don't need anyone here overhearing our past. It's private and I need to understand all of this myself before anyone else hears it. Avery and I are complicated. Everything in my life right now seems complicated.

She took me to a small Italian place downtown, with not a lot of seating but she must know the owners because we were shown to a table in a private room.

After we ordered, I started again.

"Ave, why are we sitting here?  You must hate me, I can't figure you out."

"I don't hate you, honest. What you did hurt, it was probably the most painful thing I have ever gone through in my life.  But do I hate you?  No."

"You should, you would be justified."

"Nonsense, that was like a decade ago, Ali.  We were so young. You knew what you wanted, unfortunately it wasn't me."

"At the time I knew I wanted to be with Jack, what I felt when I was with him was so... profound.  I can't explain it except that in all the time I was with you I never felt what I did with him. I didn't know how to tell you, so I tried to just leave, I was going to leave a letter or something, but you showed up while I was packing.  We'd been together so long, I didn't think I could face you."

Dinner carried with small talk for awhile, she launched question after question at me.  Eventually we ended up at a bar down the block from my hotel.  We were drinking wine for awhile, our conversation turning more serious.