Endless

48 Days Before

48 DAYS BEFORE

I sit behind my desk and watch my beautiful boy lying on the floor of my office. His spark has gone and he has no energy to play, god he misses Peyton and i don't know how much more of this i can take. We can't go and visit her; if she wants to be released in the shortest time possible she needs to be fully commited to the programme with no distractions. Great that's another 12 days of an upset, angry little boy.

Noah opens his book and pretends to read it to himself as Fin walks into my office.
"Hey Liv. Amanda and I are going to take off, we have filed away all our DD5's and there is no new cases currently, so we are signing out for the night."
My mind is else where and my eyes are fixed on my son, "that sounds fine Fin."
He looks down at Noah, i look at him and see the sadness in his eyes, as he's watched his best friend crumble in the last two days. "He misses her huh?"
"Terribly. He takes that book everywhere." I sniff and Fin gives me a sympathetic look.

I watch him move towards Noah and crouch down to his level, "Hey buddy," he says softly, "do you want me to read that to you?"
"No!" he slams the book shut and hugs it to his chest, his eyes shift between me and Fin as he backs away towards the chair in the corner of the room. Tears fall from his little eyes, running down his cheeks, and my heartbreaks.
"It's me and P's book." he sniffs.
He crawls into the chair and pulls his knees up to his chest protecting the book from us. He puts his thumb in his mouth trying to find some comfort.
"Only P can read it right." He mumbles around his thumb, he turns away from us and faces the wall, "it's me and P's book, me and P's" he whispers as he cries.

Tears run down my face. Fin sighs "Sorry Liv." i shake my head unable to get any words out, he leaves my office in silence and closes the door gently behind him. I drop my head into my hands and cry quietly, until i feel two hands make their way into my lap. Noah pulls himself onto my knee and cuddles into my chest holding his book tight.
"I miss P mommy, when can she come home?"
"Soon baby, soon," i say as i place a kiss on his forehead and i pray that soon comes quickly.

*        *        *

I stare into the bowl of plain oatmeal, with full fat milk that has been placed in front of me, next to two pieces of wholemeal toast, one with jam and the other with peanut butter. I just take a deep breath and take it one mouthful at a time. I only have an hour to eat a meal that contains more food than i would eat in a week; but i just think of Noah and how much faster i can see my munchkin again if i co-operate. The girls around me are crying into their bowls and shifting their feet, bouncing their legs, doing anything to burn off even a fraction of the calories they are consuming. I just sigh, wondering how i let myself get to this point.

At the end of breakfast we all just sit around in the living, all of us too underweight to be allowed to exercise and i can see the other girls going crazy. I was never a fan of exercise so this part doesn't bother me too much. I'm just tired and bored; i just really want out of this place. It's times like these when my mind is open and all of the bad thoughts and memories just come rushing to the fore-front of my mind. My demons scream out me so loud and clear, shaming me, blaming me and forcing me to drown in my own self-hatred.

These moments have become a regular thing over the past two days, occurring every 2 hours; and it's slowly becoming to painful to bear. I hear footsteps come up behind me as i try and block out my own mind. A hand softly falls onto my shoulder, i turn and am faced with dark brown eyes. Oh goody my first pyschologist session, i follow the woman into a small room fitted with a very uncomfortable looking leather couch. The couch is matched with a wooden coffee table and another leather chair opposite; which i assume is her chair. I look out the window before lowering myself onto the couch; may as well get this over with fast.

"Hello Peyton, my name is Dr. Savannah Duggan it's nice to meet you," she says a little too sweetly for my liking.
"Well i would like to say it's nice to meet you, but honestly, its not." i point out, this is so not going to work out.
"Yeah most people aren't too happy about being here," she looks down at her notes, "but you are here the shortest out of everyone, you must have a good support system to go back to."
"I would like to think so." i look around the room out of nervous habit before i turn back to the doctor, "so i would quite like to get out of this hell pit sooner rather than later."
"Okay well lets get started then." She moves to the edge of her seat and looks deeply into my eyes, it makes me uncomfortable so i start playing with my nails. "Can you tell me why you stopped eating Peyton."
I sigh, there is no way out of this. "I was trying to disappear." I mumble into my hands.
"Why?" concern coating the word.
I look up sharply, "Look i would rather talk to my friend about it, the one i am staying with when i get out of here. She's a detective, well sergeant if you want to get technical." I say with an attitude.
"Well that's great hon-"
"Don't call me honey! Liv calls me honey, you aren't Liv," i snap, i look up to see her stunned, her face instantly calms me, "I'm sorry, I just miss her," i look down ashamed, tears falling from my eyes.
"It's okay, you just need to talk to me and i can help you get home to her sooner. Okay?" i nod and give in.

She moves across to sit next to me, she rubs my back trying to stop my tears before she asks me again.
"Why were you trying to disappear Peyton?"
"I didn't want my dad to notice me anymore." With that the damn breaks and i can't stop the tears from falling.

I cry through out my next 5 meals, and cry myself to sleep at 9pm.
I just want out.