Endless

5 Days Before

5 DAYS BEFORE

I'm standing in the kitchen with my arm wrapped around Peyton, so grateful that all the trials are over, and all the men are behind bars. Peyton snuggles further into my side as i hold a glass of red wine and smell the steaks Elliot is frying on the stove. Everyone is coming over as a part of a celebration and i can't help but think that this is how my life was supposed to be.
I am back as commanding officer, and Peyton is better, happy and super excited because Noah is coming home. He has been staying with Fin during the trial as we have all been so distracted by it. I have missed him so much.

"Livvy?" Peyton's voice shakes me from my thoughts.
"Mmmm," i look down at her a small amount of concern on her face.
"What are you thinking about?"
"Life in general, and how right now mine is pretty close to perfect," i watch her smile a sad smile, before dropping her eyes from mine. Something in my heart doesn't feel right. I feel her snuggle closer into me, so i place my glass on the counter before wrapping my arms tightly around her. I place a soft kiss on her head and breathe in her scent.

I hold her like it's for the last time, i hold her as if i am the wall that is going to keep all the pain in her heart from hurting her. I hold her as if i am holding her together, and if i continue to hold tight enough maybe just maybe my love will be enough to keep us all together.

*        *        *

I am wrapped around Liv as we stand in the kitchen. I am at peace and i feel so loved. She holds me so tightly, its as if she knows what i feel in my heart and she is trying to keep it from breaking me. I secretly thank her for that.

I hear the door open and lift my head up and slowly move out of Liv's arms as i hear the chatter coming from the hallway. I move out of the kitchen and look directly at the door to see Noah halted in the doorway just staring at me. I can see he is trying to decide if i am me again, and i hate myself for the way i treated him before. I take a step forward towards him and watch as he cocks his head to the side and narrows his eyes at me.
"Noie?" i say sweetly.
"P?" he says softy.
"Hey Munchkin," a tear falls from my eye, and he runs at me. Full force into my arms. He wraps himself around my neck and lays his head in the crock of my shoulder placing soft kisses behind my ear. I rest my head on his shoulder, "I missed you munchkin." 
"I missed you too P," he leans back and looks me in the eyes, "are you better now P?" he asks, wanting to know if he has his sister back for good this time.
I don't have the heart to tell him, so for the first time i do something i never wanted to do to him. 
I lie, "yeah baby I'm all better."

The grin that breaks out on his face, shatters my heart. He will know the truth one day, i will tell him in my own words and help him make better choices than i have. For now though a lie will have to do.

*        *        *

We sit at the dinner table and i can't help but smile, the laughter just fills the room. Everyone is here.
Elliots hand is wrapped in mine as it's placed on my lap, he is turned talking to Dickie and Eli about football, Elliot's girls are having an important gossip session with Alex and Casey. Amanda is settled nicely on Nick's lap, just watching the conversation not really too involved. Kathy, Melinda and Fin are talking about god knows what, while Munch gives the Captain, Raphael and Sonny his latest conspiracy theory.

I look across the table and watch as Noah sits on Peyton's lap both of their faces lit up like Christmas trees, her back is to Marcus who rests his chin on her shoulder, every so often placing a soft kiss on the side of her face. I think he is just reasuring her that he is there and that he loves her.

"You seem to be doing a lot of thinking these days," Elliots voice sounds in my ear, his hand slips out of mine and inbetween my legs to cup my thigh.
"Huh?" he just laughs at me.
"You didn't hear me did you?"
"Sorry, no." I turn so that i am facing him, giving him my full attention. He leans forward and runs his free hand along my check and into my hair. He leans forward and captures my lips with his.
"I love you," he mumbles, before deeping the kiss. It feels like there is no one else in the room, until Noah's voice breaks the silence between us.

"Ew mama stop," everybody bursts out laughing, including us. I turn and am met with Noah's disgusted face and Peyton's shining eyes. I poke my tongue out at him.
"God i remember when we all thought you two were doing it for years," Fin chuckles, and i cringe suddenly aware of the presence of Elliot's ex wife.
"Oh bud me too." Kathy's voice filtered out, "Kind of wished they were to be honest." She shrugs.
"May i ask why?" Peyton's soft tone catching everyone off guard.
"Olivia is not the easiest person to hate, but i wanted to for so many years, because of what they shared. I wanted to believe they were being unfaithful." She turns to me and looks me in the eyes, sincerity lacing every word that spills from her mouth. "A part of me knew he belonged to you, and i loved you for it. For giving him what i obviously could not and for doing everything in your power to save our marriage. You fought harder than we did," I hear Elliot laugh as he rests his chin on my shoulder. "You love our kids as if they were your own, and i always secretly hoped it would be you he ended up with when our marriage fell apart. Then he came round one christmas with some hoe he had found in Louisana that looked younger than Maureen." I turn to look at him a smirk on my face and my eyebrow raised.

He sits back in his chair and i can hear Peyton move forward in her seat. Oh boy this is going to be interesting. I watch him look up and catch Peyton's smirk as it moves to settle on her face.
"Oh god." Elliot breathes and we all laugh.
Elliot raises his eyebrows at Peyton but she doesn't speak and we all wait in anticipation.
"Well you know it makes sense." Peyton raises one eyebrow allowing her smirk to grow, "she would have had nothing to compare you to. Wouldn't know what she was missing."
Everybody gasps and holds their breath.
She narrows her eyes at him.

*        *        *

This is what we do we play. Except i think it has caught everyone else off guard, because they are not quite sure of the outcome.
"Well now thats a low blow," he says, holding the best he can to his serious face.
"Is it? Can't have hurt to much," i smirk, "not much there to hurt." I smile unable to keep it up any longer. I watch Elliot smile sweetly.
"Peyton can you promise me something?" He gets serious all of a sudden, we don't break eye contact but i can see everyone eyes on us.
"Depends on what it is?" I can feel tears beginning to rise in my eyes.
"El don't do this," I hear Liv whisper, but he doesn't turn to look at her and he doesn't respond.
"You have to promise me Peyton Isabella."

"Well excuse you dad," i spit, "Tell me what you want me to promise and i will let you know if i can keep it."
"So anyone one for desert, El?" Liv stands up quickly, clearly knowing what it is he is going to ask, and trying to change everyones focus. Unfortunately nobody moves. The tension between us rolling off our shoulders in waves, no one quite sure what will happen. Them all waiting for us to explode at any sign of movement so they stay put.
"Promise me you are not going any where," He grits out, anger filing out through his teeth coated in pain.
I drop my eyes from his at that moment. I feel Noah climb down from my knee and back away as he can feel the change in my personality.
"I can't promise you that," i breathe.

I can see the anger bubbling inside him, Liv reaches forward and places a hand on his forearm, "El let it go," he pulls his arm from her grasp.
I move my chair back and stand up as he does the same.
"Why not?" his voice is getting louder and louder, and more and more agitated.
"Dad sit down, listen to Liv," Maureen tries to calm her father, but he is not listening and he won't drop it until he gets an answer. This wonderful night has just gone down hill and i can feel my chest getting tighter. He is shooting daggers at me, and they pierce my heart.

"Why can you not promise this," he softens slightly, "for your mother?"
"She is not my mother!" I shout.

The words have left my mouth before i have the time to catch them. The words driven by my head not my heart and there is no cleaning up the mess i see in front of me. Liv's eyes shoot up to mine, after they have been glued to the floor. The single tear falls from her eye and she shakes her head, not out of pain or anger, but because i just confirmed what she already knew.

I am building up a wall around her heart, to save it from the impending war i am going to inflict on it. In trying to save her, i have destroyed her. I have lost her.

"I'm sorry Liv." The words are said in my heart, but i can't bring myself to voice them for the last time.