Endless

2 Days Before

2 DAYS BEFORE

The sun is shining as we all gather in central park. I lean back in my deck chair, my book in my lap and let the sun shine down on my face. I feel so free.
I've spent the better part of the last couple of days crying. Crying at uni, crying at home, crying myself to sleep, and yet it was so cleansing.
I have made a choice, that has changed my thinking on life and allowed me to just be free and feel. To just be present in my life at this exact moment and not worry about the future or the past.

The past can not be changed, and the future is yet to happen. So why stress about something you have no control over. I am happy, i have a family, my head is finally empty and i can just breathe.

I close my eyes and just let the warmth soak into my soul, when i am hit smack in the face with freezing cold water. I hear a sweet giggle sound out from by feet. I peer down to see Noah standing with a water pistol pointed at me and a guilty grin slapped on his face.
"Got you P," he giggles, scruntching his gorgeous little nose. Unknown to him i have a water balloon hidden underneath my book on my lap.
I narrow my eyes at him, "Now Noah you don't want to be doing that again."
He smiles and defiantly squirts me again, his laugh echoing throughout the open field. I glance over his head to see Liv and Fin grinning at me. Both of them have wet patches all over their clothes, water pistols in their hands. Wouldn't want to be up against them after years of carrying a weapon i doubt they would miss.
"Well now child i warned you." I lean forward returning my eyes back to Noah. His grin falling very quickly from his face as an evil smirk sets on mine. I quickly pull out the water balloon and throw it at him, hitting him square in the chest. It bursts, soaking him through.

He squeels in happiness and then all of a sudden gets trigger happy with his pistol. I jump up from my seat and chase him along the field. The whole time laughing, he every so often turns over his shoulder and tries to hit me while he is running, but he is not so good at the multitasking. He trips and tumbles on to the grass in a fit of laughter, losing his gun the process. I pick it up and sit lightly on top of him, squirting him in the face.

His laugh is so beautiful and contagious, i can't help the grin that is gracing my face. It is all because of him. "Okay I'm sorry P, I'm sorry." he puts his hands over his face, "stop, stop." he breathes out, tired.
I lay down on the grass next to him and just look up at the sky.
It's so beautiful and endless.
"I wonder what it would be like to be a bird," Noah's soft words wash over me. "To be able to fly. That would be awesome." I chuckle.
"That would be pretty awesome Munchkin."

*        *        *

Fin and I have the day off, so we watch the kids as they walk in front of us towards the ice cream truck. I link my arm in his and rest my head on his shoulder as we walk. I love him so much, he is the big brother i never had and i don't know what i would do with out him. I would be completely lost.
"How you holding up baby girl?" he asks in a tone only reserved for me.
"What do you mean Fin?" i stand up straight so i am no longer leaning on him.
"Well El is going back to New Orleans in a few days, have you guys decided what is going to happen from there?" concern in his voice, he is unsure if i am leaving too or if he is going to have to get out his scotch tape to stick my heart back together.

I move my head side to side, "We haven't really talked about it you know." I shrug.
"You need to Liv."
"Yeah i know," i sigh, "It's just hard. Apart of me wants to believe he will come back to me once all the paper work is sorted out, but another part. The much louder part is just screaming that he has left before." He pulls my arm and stops me. I look down at my feet, "I just feel like this was just a fling for him. Like he always wanted to know what it would be like to be with me, and now that he has he can move on. I don't think he realizes how much i love him."
"Have you told him this," Fin places his hand under my chin bringing it upwards so that i am looking him in the eyes. I shake my head.
"I don't want to change his decision, I need him to make it on his own." a lone tear falls from my eye and down my cheek. Fin wipes it away before placing a soft kiss on my forehead. He laces his arm back with mine and we continue to follow the kids. We don't say another word about it, but i can feel him silently preparing for my heartbreak, and i love him so much for that.

"Mom, can i get the chocolate one?" Noah asks once we reach the ice cream truck. Over the past couple of weeks i have gone from mama to mom, as my little man gets older. He is five next week and i wonder where the time has gone. His face changing from baby, to little boy. I watch Peyton look down at him a proud gleam in her eye, and i can't help but wonder if she will see him grow into a man.

"Sure buddy."