Endless

37 Days Before

37 DAYS BEFORE

Last night in this shit hole. I'm allowed to leave a day early due to good behaviour. Don't even know what that means or what I did to deserve it, but I'm going to take it and not ask any questions.

I'm estimating my weight gain at around 10lbs, and i can feel every single one of them on my 5'6" frame and its disgusting me. Noah is not even going to regonise the whale i have become.

The therapy is not working, it just makes the demons scream louder, brings them to the forefront of my mind, rather than buried underneath my daily struggles. They are painful to listen to and beyond deafening, to the point where i don't think i even want to go back and see Noah, he deserves better than the person i am allowing myself to become.

I am more empty now than i was before i entered this place; this place thats supposed to make it easier to wake up every morning. Yet every step i take, every breath i breathe is becoming harder and harder to swallow.

I want to go back, but i'm not sure i have the will power.

* * *

8am Monday morning, i had to drop Noah off at daycare early this morning, due to an urgent phone call from Amanda about a current case.
My weekend was so peaceful and fun running around the park with Noah; he was laughing and smiling all day long. A smile comes to my face as I'm standing in the elevator remembering the ice cream stains down Noah's pants and shirt as he tried to eat it before it melted everywhere; as well as the sticky handprints on my t-shirt when i had carried him to the car because he was so worn out. It was the first time I had heard him laugh like that since Peyton left.
It was so refreshing.

I stroll into the bullpen and am instantly bombarded with memo's and questions. I bypass everyone and motion my detectives into my office before closing the door.
I sit on the edge of my desk and take a deep breath before diving headfirst into this new case.

"Okay so what do we have?" Amanda hands me the case file.
"Christina Folley, 19 year old girl, found in an alley on 42nd street. Caucasian, 5'4", around 110lbs. She was dragged down the alley, she has scrapes on her knees, thighs, forearms and hands. She was shot point blank right between her eyes with a .6mm pistol. It was raining so any trace evidence is gone apart from skid marks from a Ford transit van." Amanda rattles off the details of the case and i can feel my heart sink. I place my hand over my face and sigh.
"Any eye witnesses?"
"None." Fin replies blanking.
"Although it says here that a lady that lives in the apartment building across the street got up at 1am to feed her baby, when she saw a van hightail it out of the alleyway." Nick added.
"Okay Fin, Amanda go and talk to the victims family then interview the witness again to see if she can remember anything else; give us a better picture. Nick run the details of the case through the database and see if there are any other cases with a matching MO." I rub my forehead, get up and move behind my desk and slump into my chair.
Nick and Amanda leave my office to start work on this case, but Fin remains and looks at me concern lacing all of his features.
"Baby girl are you okay?"
I shake my head, "yeah just kinda tired, these cases just-- there just hard."
"I know, I'm sorry."
"Fin its not your fault, you are not committing these crimes." I seem him shrug, as if to say 'i should have already caught them though', i look him in the eyes, "Fin go with Amanda catch this guy, okay. I have a lot of paper work and memos to follow up on. Keep me informed and call me if you need me."
He nods and then leaves my office, this case already heavily weighing on his shoulders.

* * *

I stare at my empty ring finger on my left hand. The freeness of it never hitting me this hard before; but being in the same city as her has made me realise what i gave up all those years ago.

I float into a day dream, i become so overwhelmed by the memories i begin to smell her perfume. The one she always wore and then the one that would drive me crazy because it was sexier, it was her date smell. The one she never wore for me. I can feel her touch as she would accidently brush past me, or the pressure she would place on one of my wounds. Yet those same hands would be so much softer when carefully dressing the wound weeks later.

Mike breaks me from my thoughts by dropping a new case in front of me.
"He has struck again." I groan as i open the file, "except this time he's killed." a small amount of relief in his voice.
It sounds bad, but this means we have a body, a victim, a past, evidence, something more to work with than just a child who has vanished without a trace.
"What sort of evidence have we got?" i question hoping there was DNA or fingerprints, something.
"Not a lot," i roll my eyes, "but we do have a crime scene, a witness and a victim. So it's a better start than before."
"Okay so lets go and see this crime scene and the eye witness before we head over to talk to the victims family. It would be nice to have some information to give them."

We grab our coats and head out to the sedan that is parked on the road. As we walk down the steps of the station house, i question Mike for one more piece of important information.
"What's her name and what district was she found?"
"Christina Folley." i turn to look at him over the roof of the sedan. "She was found in an alleyway."
"Mike spit it out which district." I stare him down daring him to say it.
"Manhattan."