Endless

15 Days Before

15 DAYS BEFORE

I sit outside her room, the tears coming and going constantly. I don't know what to do and i don't know how to help her. She won't let me hold her, she won't let me speak to her, she won't even let me in the room. It is crushing me from the inside out, watching her suffer and not being able to do anything about it.

"Ma'am are you okay?" a nurse comes over. They seem to come by every two hours and i give each one the same response.
"Not really. My daughter won't let me in to see her, but i'm not going home until she can be released." I look up at here, "so in the mean time i am stuck out her." I give her a small sad smile before, resuming my original position. Staring through the glass doors at Peyton's back.

*        *        *

I need out of here. Out of this bed, out of this hospital, out of this body. I can't do this anymore, my body hurts, my head hurts and my heart won't stop throbbing. I am so close to letting Liv in, but it's not fair to her. I know she is sitting outside just waiting for me to let her in, I know she will come without a single moment of hesitation but i am doing this for her. She will think i am protecting myself and a part of me wishes i could, but it's really her heart i am trying to protect from the fallout.

My demons have returned full force and there is no way i can fight them off. I have not eaten in the past 5 days, my bad habits slipping back fast and all at once. I no longer have the will to fight for anything, i no longer have a reason to fight for anything, so i am just letting go. I am allowing myself to sink further and further back into the hole i know i belong in.

I can feel my soul and personality slip away to be replaced with my mental disorder. Any part of who i am disappearing with every tick of the clock. My heart is hardening, the pain in my body leaving as i disconnect from my body, allowing my demons to inhabit the space. Before i would fight, before i would push them away but Liv is not worth it, Noah is not worth it, Marcus is not worth it. They deserve better than me, the world deserves better than me.

*        *        *

I run my hand down my face as i continue to watch her, just lay there. Not moving, not eating, not doing anything. They had to put a catheter in because she refused to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. She has casts on her arm and leg, and in a few days they will put them in braces instead so she can leave. She refuses to eat, according to the nurse she said that the meds were making her nauseous and she didn't want to throw up, but i know better. They are threatening her with a feeding tube but i see she really has stopped caring.

"Mama!" I hear Noah call me as he runs towards me, Elliot and Marcus following behind. I force a smile onto my face to try not to show any of my sadness.
"Hello baby how are you?" My tone too cheery and fake.
"I'm good El and Marcus took me to get ice cream," he just beams at me, hopefully his face will bring Peyton back. "I also brought fairy bread for me and P to share." He holds up his clear sandwich bag that holds two slices of fairy bread.
"That's so nice of you baby, I'm sure she will love it."

We stand up and i grab Noah's hand using the other one too push open the sliding door to her room. We all move inside and i see Peyton slightly flinch away from us and it breaks my heart.
"Peyton, there is someone here to see you." I say softly.
She struggles to roll over so that she is on her side facing us, but her face doesn't light up at the sight of Noah the way i wanted it to. I turn away from her and look at Elliot who just watches my face drop and i know he can feel my heart drop.
"Go ahead Noah," but i can see he is tentitive. He knows somethings not right with his sister and he is scared. He moves closer to her bed so he can look her in the eyes before he takes a few steps backwards. Before he runs back to me and shields himself from her behind my legs.

"Mama, thats not Peyton." he whispers, and i watch an awful smirk form on her face before she rolls back away from us.
"I can't do this anymore, " Marcus throws his hands up the air and storms out of the room away from her, I give Noah to Elliot and storm after him.

"Don't you leave her!" I shout, everyone around us stops but i don't care. He turns and walks a few strides back towards me.
"That thing in there is not Peyton, she has stopped fighting," his eyes shift between mine his voice getting low and broken, "can't you see that?"
"Everybody in her whole life has walked away from her, including you." I look down at the floor before looking back at him, "We have all broken promises we told her we would keep, including me. Why would she want to fight anymore? She feels like she has nothing, and you just want to walk away and prove her right."
He doesn't know what to say as he angerily wipes a tear from his cheek.
"She won't eat!" the tears are streaming down my face, "and i don't know how to help her, don't make us all go through what you went through for years. Don't make Noah watch her kill herself, you are the only one who knows her habits well enough to help us stop this. Please, you love her. You can't just walk away."

He looks down at the floor tears in his eyes before he whispers out, "don't make me stand around and watch her die." He flicks his eyes back up to mine.
I move forward placing a hand on either side of his face.
"Help me, help her. I will do everything in my power to save her." I wipe the tears falling down his face, "But you can't walk away."