Endless

10 Days Before

10 DAYS BEFORE

I haven't moved since i left the hospital on Friday. The doctor called on Saturday and Elliot answered the phone, Marcus had taken her home. Of course silly me thought this was home, but clearly it is not anymore. I sit on the floor in her room, just staring at her empty bed willing her to just appear in it. I haven't moved from this position, except for the occasions where i had to use the bathroom. Sometimes i would lay down with my back against the wall other times i just stay sitting. Elliot has tried to get me to eat something but i just have no will to do anything. He lifted me up yesterday and bathed me, before changing my clothes and allowing me to wander back in here. Noah has been at Fin's this whole time and I miss him, but how am i supposed to take care of him when I can't even take care of myself.

I have done a lot of thinking over the past couple of days and i wonder if i should take him to a foster home. Find him new parents, a couple with other children. A family that can actually take care of him and love him the way i obviously can't. This was the biggest mistake i have ever made. The only reason he thinks he loves me is because he is only 4, he doesn't know any better. Peyton has had the worst parents imaginable and yet i am still worse. I am the only family that she has walked away from, she was removed from her abusive foster homes; but me. Me, she just walks away like i mean nothing. She looks at me like i am the worst thing in the world, and it makes me realise.

This whole time.

My mother was right.

*        *        *

I stand in Marcus' kitchen for the 3rd morning in a row and yet i still can't seem to make myself eat. He has brought me all the foods he knows i can manage, no challenges, he won't eat with me. He doesn't watch me eat, because he knows i hate that, and he won't talk to me while i eat. We don't eat together cause it makes him upset and i can feel myself falling further into my habits, because i have nobody to answer to.

Liv used to sit with me, she would share her food and force me to eat things i didn't want. The tears fall effortlessly as Marcus walks into the room. I don't look at him but i can feel his presence. He walks in looks at me and walks out, which just makes me cry harder. I can feel the sobs wanting to rip from within my soul, I just want my Liv. 

"Come on Peyton, we are going." I hear his voice, next to me. Worn and tired.
I place my head in my hands as i lean on the counter, "where are we going?" i breathe out.
He grabs my arm without saying another word. I look up to him and see my bag in his hands, and i check out.

I broke him too, he is throwing me out after 3 days. What am i doing with my life? With my poor relationship? I am so not worth this life but unfortunately there is some higher power not allowing me to leave. I follow him out the front door and climb into his car without any arguements. He chucks my bag in the back of the car and he climbs in the front, driving away from the curb in silence.

*        *        *

 I listen to Liv's sobs as she sits in Peyton's room, the door slightly ajar. She has had to stand down as commanding officer throughout these past couple of days and think that has destroyed her more. One more thing she has screwed up she said. Listening to her so broken and empty, it is not the Liv i remember and this one that frightens me. I have watched her wrestled with herself, as she has contemplated becoming her mother and pouring her soul into the bottom of a liquor bottle. She hasn't crashed yet but is only a matter of time.

The squad has been turned on it's head and she believes it is the beginning of the end for her. New captain, Fin, Rollins and Nick holding down the fort. A new detective has come in to even up the numbers and she just can't seem to see where she fits anymore. Last night she was telling me about how she planned on giving Noah up and i knew, that she had reached her limits. That boy is her whole world, all she has ever dreamed of. Yet now she can't even cling to the light and hope he brings her.

I hear the front door open as two sets of footsteps enter the apartment. Part of me expected it to be Fin with Noah but instead i find Marcus and Peyton standing infront of me. Marcus throws a bag on the couch as Peyton's eyes drop to the floor.
"Hey P," i breathe out. She looks thin and fraile, like she hasn't eaten in weeks. The bags under her eyes tell me she hasn't sleep, Marcus has the matching set. She doesn't answer me, i move from behind the kitchen counter and slowly  move towards her, "P are you okay honey? How are you feeling?" She still doesn't answer but this time she pulls her eyes up to meet mine. I watch a single tear fall as she moves and walks into my waiting arms, wrapping herself tightly around me.

Her breathing is even and slow, she does not cling to me out of desperation, but out of love. I pull her tightly against my body, hoping she can feel how badly she was missed.
"Hi El," she speaks into my chest. Her voice so soft and sweet, a far cry from the confident girl i rememeber. "Marcus brought me here, i think he is going to send me away." She pulls away from me and just stares through me. "So here is my key and i thought i might grab a few things before i leave."
I furrow my brow in confusion before tearing my gaze from her face and settling on Marcus. A small smile forms on his face.

"She thinks I would send her away," he shakes his head in disbelief, "i have never sent her away." he mumbles into the carpet.
I watch as Peyton turns to look at him. He lifts his eyes so they meet hers.
"I brought you home. They can help you better than I can, she can help you better." He moves towards her placing his hands on either side of her face, before kissing her forehead. "I have failed 4 times before, she had you this time. I am not leaving, this is not goodbye, but she can help you better than i can." He kisses her lips. "Sometimes you have to give up the person you love most, because its the best thing for them."
She smiles and a small laugh escapes her lips, I watch his eyes light up as i assume she hasn't laughed in a long time. "I know all about that." she breathes out.
"Call me when ever, i love you." he kisses her one last time and shakes my hand before moving towards the door.
"I love you too." she whispers back.

*        *        *

I watch Marcus walk out the door, as he leaves me at 'home' as he said it. I've never had a home until now, I've never had a family. I turn around and look at Elliot a small but sad smile on his face and i know what he's thinking.
"Where is she?" I ask as his eyes flick down to mine.
"The same place she has been for the past, 5 days." He looks at me nothing but sadness coating his features, "The floor of your bedroom."
I take a sharp breath before giving him a hug, "I'm sorry."

I make my way towards my bedroom, my shoulder still hurt and the moon boot on my foot making it a slow journey. I peer my head around the corner of the open door, to see her sitting with her back against the wall. Her head in her hands and i can she her shoulders shake as she cries.
"Elliot go away." she grates out between her teeth. I know she is wanting to sound harsh but she just doesn't have the energy to do it.
"Livvy," i breathe. Her hands fall from her face as she slowly turns to look up at me. The tears never stopping. "I'm sorry," i sob out, as her arms open up for me.

I hobble towards her and straddle her lap, as i bury my face in her warm chest. Her chin drops to my shoulder and i can hear her even breaths in my ear, as she runs her hands up and down my sides.
"You aren't eating are you?" I shake my head, guilt ripping through me. That is when i notice that her shoulders are a little more boney than i remember.
"You aren't eating either," she laughs into my shoulder before placing a soft kiss there.
"God I've missed you so much." I bury myself even further into her, my brace on my wrist making it difficult to hold onto her.
"Peyton?" my name is phrased as a question, i sit back in her lap and look her in the eyes before resting my forehead against hers, "how about we make some pancakes?"

A genuine grin breaks out on my face and i stare into her deep brown eyes before nodding. The same grin i wear mirrored on her own worn out face. All of a sudden the world doesn't seem so dark, it doesn't seem so harsh. It's the first time since i was taken that i have felt completely relaxed.