Endless

24 Days Before

24 DAYS BEFORE

I feel lighter, like the darkness has gone and i am free. Although my head hurts, it is silent. None of my demons swirling around. I breathe out and feel the air easily escape my lungs, i pause before inhaling, not sure if it is something i will be able to do; but that action too is easy.

I try my hardest to will my eyes to open, and when they do i am met once again with bright hospital walls and dull empty walls. Noah sleeps on the couch on my left hand side, and a beautiful brunette has her curls spread across my leg as she rests her head on my bed by my arm. She is so cute and peaceful when she sleeps. The love and respect i have for this woman is crazy, I have never had anyone care for me the way she so unselfishly does. I see Elliot walk into the room with two coffees and i smile a weak smile at him. I bring my hand to my mouth telling him not to make a noise, he nods and moves to sit on the couch by Noah's feet.

I just stare at Liv, not wanting to wake her, but knowing full well she will be mad if i don't. I shy with tears in my eyes as i raise my hand to gently stroke her nose. Her eyes flutter open and she lifts her head off the bed and stares me straight in the face. It only takes a split second, and i know she has been trying to hold it together for Noah up until now, but i just watch her crumble. The tears come full force down her face as she crawls onto my bed. She lays her head on my chest, one leg either side  of my body and her arms carefully wrapped around my body, not willing to let go. I stroke her hair with my fingers and watch each curl shimmer as it falls down her back.

"Liv?" I whisper down to her.
"Mmm," she mumbles into the bed sheet.
"Did you bring me a change of clothes?" Her giggle rips from her lips and quickly turns into a disheartening sob.
"No Peyton I didn't," she snaps, the anger boiling out from inside her. "I'm sorry if i was too busy worrying about your heart stopping and you dying on me, to stop at home to get you a change of clothes. I'll remember for next time." she sits up straight at shoots daggers at me.
"Liv. Calm down," Elliot sooths from the corner, neither of us turn to look at him.

Both of us are crying now, neither of us saying a word.
"Liv I'm sorry,"
"You scared me Peyton. I don't know what i would do without you." she looks down and pulls imaginary things off the hospital blanket, "I know it's weird but i feel like you are my child. Just as much as Noah is and i don't want to lose you honey."
I lose it the second the words leave her mouth. I have never been wanted by anyone in my life, not even by the parents who were biologically programmed to love me. I look up at her as my final tears dry and i decide its time to tell her about them. I take a deep breath and look over to make sure Noah is still asleep, i glance at Elliot before returning my gaze to Liv.

"My parents," i start. She doesn't speak, she just listens, without an ounce of judgement in any of her features, "they were young when they had me. My father was 18, he was a drug addict and an alcoholic so his parents had kicked him out. My mother was 16 and her parents kicked her out when she fell pregnant." I close my eyes for a split second as i get transported back to that apartment. "We lived in a run down apartment building in a small town just outside of Nashville, it always smelt of weed, and booze. I learned at a very young age how to make myself small and to fade into the background whenever their friends came around. Sometimes they couldn't afford their bills so my mother would have sex with whoever was willing to pay. I was always cold and dirty. They couldn't always afford the water bill so sometimes they would bathe me in a bucket, it was used for all 3 of us and i was always last." The tears fall from Liv's eyes, and she slowly moves so that she is sitting next to me on the bed. She pulls me into her and we lay down. My head resting on her chest, i just listen to the beating of her heart and feel her chest rise and fall with every breath she takes. It's soothing. I wrap myself around her for comfort throwing my leg over hers and holding on with all my might.

"When i was 6 they were high on meth and decide that i was a good toy to play with. So my father picked me up and took me into the bedroom, while my mother dragged a kitchen chair behind us." I turn my face into Liv's chest as i sob silently, she doesn't rush me. She just rubs my back and waits for me to finish. I hear Elliot get up from his seat and move beside the bed. I look up to see him lean down and place a kiss on Liv's forehead. I can see the tears streaming consistently down her cheeks as she listens to me. She places her hand on my cheek and brings my face back down to her chest. I stare out the glass windows of my room into the reception area for this floor of the hospital. I don't really see anything, i just stare and continue.

My tone loses all emotion and attachment, I just drone on in a monotone. It's the only way i can get the words out. "He raped me." I pause and breathe, "He raped me, while my mother watched." I feel Liv's arms close in tighter around me. "When he was done with me, they made me watch while they had sex. The whole time he was raping me, he told me i was 'his little princess','that he loved me more than anything', 'that this is what good girls did for their daddy's.' I sat there and i listened to him tell my mother 'she was the love of his life', his 'beautiful queen', that he would 'love her for the rest of eternity', that 'she was his everything.'" I can't stop the tears from falling as i watch everything play out in front of my eyes.

"I watched him beat my mother to death with a hammer." Liv's hand stills on my back and i hear her breathe out heavily, "he then took me downstairs and lay me on the kitchen table and sliced my chest open with a kitchen knife. I don't know what happened next or how I am still here, but i needed 24 stitches to close the wound. My father was arrested and he is now in prison for the rest of his life. He pled no contest, to first degree murder and first degree attempted murder. But he will never spend a single day in prison for raping me."

I turn into Liv and just bury myself in her embrace. I feel safe, warm and loved. I never want to move again. I hear the nurse enter the room and her soft voice washes over me as she speaks to Liv.
"All your daughters vitals seem to be fine Ms. Benson, you can take her home when your ready." Liv's hand returns to my hair and i feel her kiss my head.
"Thank you," she breathes out.

"Did she just call me your daughter?" I mumble into Liv's chest, not sure if she can hear me.
"Yeah, do you like the sound of that?"
I nod, and allow a small smile to creep onto my face. She can't see it, but some how i believe she can feel it.

"Me too." She pulls me closer, "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again Peyton." Some how i believe every single word she says.
"El can you head to my apartment, the keys in my bag, and grab Peyton my NYPD shirt and some boxers please."
"Sure Liv," El replies before i hear him kiss her. I listen to the talk for a little bit before he leaves and i fall into an easy, uninterupted sleep.