On the Road- Awsten Knight Waterparks

Chapter Forty Four

Okay so I just cannot write this chapter about the events of Isla's birthday so here is my friend Mr Time Skip....

Awsten's POV:
(Evening of Isla's birthday)

Trigger Warning: Anxiety, Depression, Mentions of Self Harm

We had just arrived back at Isla's after a super long and busy day. I could tell that even though Isla was happy that her whole family was together for her and Eli's birthday, she wasn't feeling quite right.

"Beautiful?" I caught her attention as she kicked off her shoes as she walked to her kitchen, flicking the kettle on.

"Yeah." She glanced at me over her shoulder.

"How are you feeling?" I asked leaning against the kitchen counter top.

"Good, do you want a tea or anything?" She said quickly.

"No thanks." I sighed.

"What's wrong?" She caught onto my sigh.

"Something is on your mind, I can tell, baby." I placed my hand on top of hers to stop her tea making process. "I know that making tea is one of your habits, when there's something going on for you."

"What if I just want a tea?" She defended herself. I looked down at her hand under my own, then I glanced at the other tapping frantically against her leg.

"Isla." I looked at her with pleading eyes. "Talk to me."

Silence creeped upon us as she searched for her words.

"I-" She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. "I can't."

"Can't what?" Her breathing was becoming rapid.

"I can't feel anything!" She pulled her hand from under mine and turned away, grabbing a box of fruit tea bags, shakily pulling one out and putting it in her mug.

I watched her scramble to make her tea as tears flooded her eyes. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and tell her it would be okay, but what good would that do? That would only settle it temporarily.

"What does that make you want to do?" I asked her, provoking her to express herself.

"Scream! I want to shout at everything and everyone! I want to break a thousand glasses and plates. I-" she paused in her frantic rage, softening to a fragile and defeated state. "I want to hurt myself."

Those words felt like my heart was dropped into nettles, then dipped in bleach. I have to stay strong and not cling to her like I always do, it's the only way to help.

"Why do you want to hurt yourself?"

"I don't know!" She shouted at me.

"You do." I raised my voice slightly. She sobbed, making it even harder not to smoother her in my love.

"Please." She begged me, I don't 100% know what for.

"Why do you want to hurt yourself, Isla?" My voice was stern.

"Because I hate myself! I've suffered twenty goddamn years in this body, with this mind and I fucking hate me. I look in the mirror and see a mess, a failure and all I want to do is rip out my throat." Tears threatened to fall but I willed them away.

"What makes you think that about yourself?" My voice cracked a little.

"I'm just so wrong and fucked!"

"Why?"

"Because I can't even celebrate my birthday with my family without feeling this darkness, that reeks of death, bubbling in my throat."