You're Perfect (A Big Time Rush Fanfic)

Chapter 42

*Six weeks later*
That explained why James was always so worried about children. As it turned out, he was in fact unable to have children. He had known, never being told that he was unable to procreate. He was so worried to tell me in worry that I wouldn't want him if he and I couldn't have children.

"James," I started as we got home from the doctors one afternoon after getting the news.

"No." He said and he ripped off his jacket and threw it on his kitchen table. He was upset, the entire car ride to his house, he had been angry with his jaw clenched and his knuckles white as he had the steering wheel gripped.

"James, why are you not talking to me? I'm sorry!" I said getting frustrated. He shook his hand and leaned on the counter, his knuckles white again. "James..." I said again as I reached across the bar stool and touched his shoulder. He shrugged me off and walked away, up the stair well and into his bedroom. I stood confused in the kitchen.

I didn't understand why he was so beat up over it, but I figured it was because he was a caring and compassionate man and only wished to be blessed with a child at one point in his life. That's all I had to go on. I also figured he felt like he was betraying me. I hadn't made him go to the doctors, he just had me come along for the ride. We found out together, and I assumed that was also a part of his plan. He wanted me to know before I agreed to be his wife, in case I wasn't willing to marry him then. I walked up the stair well then and opened the balcony doors. I walked out onto the balcony and sat in one of the lounge chairs. I curled up as tightly as I could get. James was in pain.

I hadn't known what to do for him to know I still loved him anyway. I tried talking to him on the way over and even when we arrived and it did no good. James needed to be alone for a little while. That he was. At three o'clock, I stood up and headed inside. I walked over to his bedroom door and knocked. There was no answer.
"James? I have to go pick up John from school. I'll," I paused as I heard the bed moving in there. He was standing up. "I'll call you later." I said as I started to walk away.

"Okay." Was all he replied. I sighed and walked down the stairwell and out to my car. I picked up John and headed back to James's place.

"Why wasn't James with you?" John asked as we pulled into James's driveway.

"He's, uh, a little conflicted with some personal things right now." I said trying to be as secretive as I could without sounding like it was a bigger deal than it was. John wasn't buying it.

"With what?" John asked not getting out of the car after it was parked.

"With stuff John." I said firmly. John raised his eyebrows and sat still.

"Fine!" I complained giving in. He was my brother and my best friend, although he was young, he was probably smarter and more wise than James and me put together. "He found out today from the doctor that he's sterile." I said blurting it out. John sighed as if he felt for James.

"That sucks." John said. I scoffed.

"What? How would you know how it would feel?" I asked him. John turned to look at me and gave me the most sympathetic look I've ever seen.

"A man, much like James, who is about to take a step, a big step with the woman he loves can't give the woman everything she could ever dream. One thing he's always knew he would be able to give to the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was children, that's what he knew would always be a possibility. Now that his life is on track, everything is perfect between you two, he feels emasculated because he isn't able to give you the most natural part of a relationship, children. He knows you two can adopt, but he would've preferred if you two could've had your own biological children. Just how men are, wanting to handle things themselves." John said taking his backpack and opening the door. I got out as well and unlocked the house where it was still quiet. John started on his homework in the kitchen as I decided to walk upstairs to the bedroom.

I knocked on the bedroom door. "James?" I asked quietly looking down at John who smiled up at me sadly.

"Come in." I heard him say. I opened the door slowly and saw him on the bed with legs stretched out in front of him and his hands behind his head. I closed the door and started to walk towards him. He had a conflicted expression on his face and then looked at me when it softened. "Hey." He said, as I saw a glare of frustrated tears in his eyes but his frustration wouldn't let them fall. I sat down next to his hips on the edge of the bed. I put my hair behind my ears before looking him in the eyes.

"Hey." I said back. He stared at me numbly. "I think I know why you are so upset." I said as he moved his hands down to across his stomach. I cleared my throat and grabbed one of his hands. "Don't get upset even worse, but I told John. But he explained to me why you were upset and it made me realize." I said as James swallowed a lump in his throat.

"Sweetheart," I started trying not to get choked up myself. "I want kids one day. I do, I really do. But, one thing I want more than children is you." I said as James's eyes took a long blink as a tear fell.

"I can't give you everything you want." He said upset. I looked away for a second trying to compose myself.

"No, you can't. But, if you want to give me happiness, which should be all you should ever try to give me, you need to be happy." I said reaching out to caress his cheek. He smiled sadly then closed his eyes again.

"A man needs to give his wife everything she's ever wanted, otherwise they aren't real men." James said shakily. I closed my own eyes and let a shaky breath out as tears formed in my own eyes.

"James, you are the most real man I've ever met. You're courageous and wonderful in every way. Of course I'd want a son just like you in both traits and features. That's not what fate is telling us though. Maybe it's telling us to get a sperm donor when we are ready."I said trying to keep myself the calmer one in the duo. James shook his head.

"That wouldn't be my kid." James said squeezing my hand. I took another shaky breath.

"Then we'll adopt. That way it's neither of ours kid. But it's not about DNA that makes a family, it's who you can rely on and who you can learn from." I told him staring into his eyes. He nodded sadly and sat up enough to hug me. We stayed in the sad embrace for awhile until he was better.

"Any child, whether biological or not is a blessing, a blessing I'd be grateful to share with you." I told him as we had gotten cleaned up and we standing at his door about to go downstairs to John. James gave me the sweetest but most sad smile before he leaned down, holding my face in his hands, and kissing my lips.

"I love you." James whispered as he opened the door.