The Journal

Chapter 3 : Math project

Chapter 3

Monday...

Kelsey POV

Nobody had been at the locker next to mine this morning. Of course, I got to school only 2 minutes before the bell rang for class, so maybe I just missed him.

I was in study hall right now, so it was the perfect time to read more of the journal.

Dear Journal,

Today I made the most cuts on my wrists than I ever have before. I did 10 on each wrist. 

I need to be careful because we're running out of bandages. I need to start using something else so nobody notices. 

And I think I accidentally cut too deep on one of them. It took forever for it to stop bleeding. I was actually getting kind of scared that it wouldn't stop bleeding. I was scared I would have to tell mom and get help, but thank god it finally stopped.

Both of my wrists are so sore now though. I don't usually notice the pain until after I've cut. In the moment, all I can feel are my emotions.

The worst part is probably when I need to shower though because they burn in pain. After my showers I rinse them in cold water to ease the pain a little.

I'm scared they're going to get infected and then I'll have to show mom.

I found some antibacterial cream in the bathroom closet, so I've been putting some of that on my wrists every night before bed. 

I'm becoming paranoid about my wrists, I guess. 

But I can't help it. I really don't want anyone to find out about this.

I'm even considering buying a lock for my journal because I'm scared of someone reading it. I made Rocky promise he wouldn't, but I don't trust him. So I hide it in my underwear drawer. 

Anyway... I need to go shower and take care of my wrists. They're really sore.

-R

I sighed. I feel so bad for him. Each journal entry is worse than the last. 

I skipped through the pages until the last entry, which was written on Thursday night, the day before I found it.

I noticed the handwriting was slightly messier, and the ink was smudged a little in circles. It was almost like he had cried while writing it, and those were marks from his tears...

Dear Journal,

I really don't know how much longer I can do this for.

I'm so emotional now for some reason. Any little thing that happens makes me feel like I need to cry.

Yesterday, Rocky scared me while I was watching tv, and I started to cry because of it. He got in trouble with mom, and I'm worried they're all getting suspicious of my behavior. 

Rydel talked to me last night before bed, and she said she just wanted to make sure I was ok. I told her I was, but I didn't know why I cried so much now. She said maybe it's because I'm stressed out about school. She knows math has been difficult for me lately. I just went with it and agreed that it was just school stress. 

She said we could talk if I ever needed to, and I thanked her and went to bed.

I just feel so miserable all the time. When I'm at school, I'm getting bad grades and bullied. When I'm at home, my brothers pick on me.

I can't win...

My cutting has gotten worse too. I cut so much that I ran out of space on my arms, at least until some of them heal a little more. So I started doing it on my hips. That's an easy place to hide them.

And I cut at school yesterday. It was during lunch while I was hiding from Wyatt. His insults are getting worse. He saw what I got on my math test, and it wasn't a good grade. I think I'm failing math, and I feel terrible about it. And Wyatt made me feel even worse.

I carry a razor blade inside my phone case now. I think I'm going to want to cut at school again. It makes me feel better.

I actually contemplated killing myself last night. But when I accidentally cut too deep, it hurts my wrists like crazy, so I decided against it. I'm just too scared. Wyatt is right. I am a baby.

I hope this weekend goes better than last weekend. I just want to relax.

I have to go get ready for bed now.

-R

Ok, I need to figure out who this boy is, and fast. He's suicidal.

The bell rang, and I hadn't realized how fast time had gone by. I grabbed my stuff and went to math class.

"Alright, class. This week I'm assigning a project. I will be assigning you a partner, and you have until next monday to finish it," my teacher said.

I just hope whoever my partner is, is smart. Because I'm not the best at math.

I don't even know everyone in my math class. It's only like the second month of school, and there's not a lot of opportunities to talk in math class.

My teacher handed out a packet which had all of the instructions for the project. I started skimming it. We basically have to make a board game that involves certain math formulas and equations from the unit we're currently learning. 

She started calling partners. I was listening for my name.

"Riker and Kelsey."

I glanced at where my teacher was looking and saw a blonde haired boy. He met my eyes for a brief second and then looked away. I guess that's my partner.

Once she was done assigning partners, she let us go talk about the project for the rest of the period. I went over and sat next to Riker.

"Are you good at math?" I asked.

"Um... Not really."

"Oh... Well me either."

Great. I have a partner who sucks at math...

"Do you have any ideas?" I asked.

"No... I don't really even know how to use the equations yet," Riker said.

His cheeks turned bright red, and I realized he was embarrassed. He really doesn't know how to do math.

"Well we know it needs to be a board game, so maybe we should design the board first, and then figure out how to include the math part," I said.

"Ok, that sounds like a good idea."

I took out a piece of paper and a pencil. I drew a rectangle.

"Here. Draw whatever comes to mind," I said, handing him the pencil.

He drew rectangles all around the outside of the board.

"Now what?" He asked.

"We could try thinking of the rules or maybe how to win. Since we've made a continuous path, we need to decide how the game ends since there's no end square. Like maybe we should make money be a part of this or something."

"Oh, ok."

Riker and I worked on our board game rules for the rest of the period. Our teacher said we would need to get together outside of class to work on it because she wasn't giving us any more class time to work on it.

"Riker, how about we exchange numbers so we can figure out when we should work on the project."

"Ok."

I gave him my phone and let him put his number in, and then I texted him so he had my number too.

The bell rang, so I went to my next class, which was english.