The Journal

Chapter 7 : Back home

Chapter 7

Morning...

Kelsey POV  

I woke up before Riker, so I decided to make him breakfast in bed. Even though it's not really bed, it's the floor.

I made both of us pancakes, and then brought them upstairs to my bedroom.

"Riker. Wake up," I said, shaking his shoulder lightly.

"Mmmm?"

"I made breakfast."

His eyes slowly opened, and he looked confused for a second.

"Food?"

"Yeah," I said, laughing.

He sat up, and I put his plate on his lap.

"Thanks," he said, yawning.

"You're welcome."

I sat down beside him and got under the blankets again. And I ate breakfast.

"I'm so tired..." Riker mumbled.

"How? We went to bed at like 1:30 last night."

"I don't know. It feels like I'm always super tired for some reason. Like I can't get enough sleep."

"Do you take naps?"

"Yeah, sometimes. Usually when I get home from school or after dinner."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Do you think you have... depression?"

"Oh... I don't know... I've never really thought about it, to be honest..."

"It's just that you cut, and usually people with depression do that, so I was just wondering..."

"Maybe... I don't really know a lot about it. Is it bad if I have it?"

"Well... Yeah, but it's ok if you do. I can help you. My parents are both doctors, so maybe I can ask them about how to help."

"You need to promise you won't tell them about me and my cutting."

"I won't, Riker. Promise."

"Ok... Thanks..."

"Do your cuts... hurt?"

"Sometimes... They're usually really sore after a few hours."

"Doesn't it hurt when you're doing it?"

"Yes and no... It makes me feel better, and I just sort of ignore the pain. Sometimes I accidentally do it too hard or something, and then it hurts a lot more. But I'm careful."

"Do you ever get worried that you'll seriously hurt yourself?"

"No... Is it bad if... if I don't care?"

"Um... Kind of. What do you mean, you don't care?"

"I just think about how maybe it would be easier if I just wasn't around-"

"Riker, stop. You can't talk like that. It definitely wouldn't be easier if you weren't around. Not for me, at least. You're my best friend now. I don't want you going anywhere."

Riker smiled a little.

"Well... Ok," he said, meeting my eyes.

"Can you promise me you won't do anything serious?"

"I promise."

"I think one of the first things we need to do in order to get you feeling better is to figure out why you feel like this. Obviously we already know Wyatt is one of the reasons, and maybe you were lonely, but you have me now. So those two reasons are taken care of. But I think there are more. And maybe while we try to figure those out, we can work on your cutting addiction."

"I know it's bad... I just don't know how to stop. Sometimes it just feels like I need to do it before I can ever feel better..."

"Ok... We can work on it."

"Thanks for trying to help me, Kelsey. I can't even tell you how much I appreciate this."

I smiled.

"I'm just glad we're friends."

Later...

Riker POV

Kelsey and I worked on our math project some more, and then I went home. Mom wanted me home for dinner.

It was kind of weird to go home, actually. I felt so happy at Kelsey's, but when I went home, I felt like my old self again. I didn't feel happy anymore.

Maybe I do have depression. I don't know...

I sat down at the kitchen table and dinner started.

"How was your sleepover?" Mom asked.

"Good. Fun," I said, pushing my food around with my fork.

"What'd you do?"

"Worked on a project for math."

I completely lost my appetite. I wished I was still at Kelsey's. I feel better there.

Dinner went on for about another 20 minutes, but I hadn't eaten anything.

Everyone had left the table except me and mom.

"Riker, are you ok?" Mom asked.

"Yeah, I'm just not really hungry."

"Did something happen at your friend's house?"

"No, I'm just not hungry. Can I please be excused?"

"Yes."

I went up to my bedroom. I'm still like really stressed about my journal. I was so scared someone found it and was reading it.

I flopped down on my bed and sighed. It's like I don't even know what to do with myself.

All the miserable feelings were coming back.

I got up and went to the bathroom. And I took out my blade. I sat down on the floor and pulled my sleeves up.

I started to cry as I made some new cuts. I don't know why I feel so horrible!

And I felt so frustrated with myself because it feels like I have no control.

I laid down and just cried as quietly as I could into the bath mat.