This Winter

Chapter 1

Original cover

Present

It was late Thursday night as I sat in my living room, stuffed in my arm-chair and grading papers underneath the moonlight. The light reflecting through the blinds created a patterned reflected on the wood floor. I turned on the side lamp when it got too dark to make out the sloppy writing of fourth graders' math problems. Sat back in the brown chair with a pen in hand and begun to make my corrections.

It wasn't until around 10 p.m. when I had finished my stack of papers to hand-out before winter break. After I was done with the tedious process I abandoned my seat in the living room. I poured a crimson color of wine into a glass and stood under the kitchen light alone. The apartment was so empty, it sickened me. The walls bare, the furniture minimal. I hadn't found someone to settle down yet and from the rate I was going I didn't think I would ever settle. I tried to find someone, Tinder, Grindr, and countless of bars, but I never found the 'right' guy. All I got out of the dates was an easy hook-up and waking up alone.

Sipping the scarlet liquid, I found my hands shuffling through a pile of sealed envelopes. My eyes scanning over the countless bills and bullshit letters. I divided the piles into bills and junk, I had assumed that the two piles would accommodate the envelopes until I came across one that didn't fit either. Through the mail I came across a letter specifically addressed to me. Ripping open the top of the once smooth envelope into a jagged mess a slip of paper fell out. I snatched the paper from the counter and read its contents, "The Andersons' are sad to announce the death of Kurtis Anderson on December 13th. A service is being held on December 19th at St. Mary's Church on Main Street. Please attend..."

I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath until I was finished. My eyes scanned over the letter multiple times, each time not believing what I read. At the bottom the letter was signed by none other than Noah Anderson. With a shaky breath I clutched the letter to my chest, my breathing uneven as a few tears welled to my eyes. Noah, Noah, Noah. It had been years since I heard that name or St. Mary's Church. I wondered if he still lived in our hometown or if he just decided to hold the service there. Was he upset? Why did he invite me? I had so many questions as I held the letter tightly my knuckles turning white.

I finally placed the letter down, recovered my composure and decided I would read the letter the letter more thoroughly in the morning. I grabbed the neck of the glass bottle beside me, and poured myself another glass, this time I took gulps.

***

That night I barely slept. My dreams haunted by memories of Noah. I had dreams of him and I, together. Dreams of me running my hands through his brown curls and staring into his ocean eyes. In my dreams I envisioned myself caressing the sides of his pale body and claiming his softer lips with my rougher ones.

My dreams didn't stay as beautiful as I had hoped. My moment of intimacy with Noah quickly diminished with the presence of his father brooding over us. What was once Noah and I laying together on a daisy covered bedding  somewhere in a dreamlike fantasy turned into a nightmare. The sun escaping from the window was replaced with thunder, Noah's lovely face turning into anger. He pushed me off of him and soon I was cornered by both him and Kurtis. "What the hell are you doing? Get the fuck out! Get the fuck out of my house," their voices overlapped as they shouted at me. The dream all felt very real, like a distant memory.

I woke up in a sweaty mess with my legs tangled in my sheets. I placed my hand on my chest and felt the rapid beat of my heart. In the dark I could make out the glowing numbers of 4:00 a.m. It would only be another 30 minutes before I'd have to get ready for school so I decided to leave my warm bed for a morning shower.

I attempted to wash away my distant memories with the cold water streaming upon my body. I wanted to cleanse my body from anything and everything that related to Noah. To my disappointment after scrubbing my body viciously the only outcome was dry skin. He still lingered in my mind.

"Can we just go back home, please!" my eyes were wet with tears as I hugged my mother's legs. My mother was all I needed, I didn't need to make friends or go to school! I wanted to be with her! I despised her for making me move towns and having to leave behind all my friends. I didn't want to go to this stupid new school!

"Ethan, I'll pick you up after school," her voice was stern. I could tell by the harsh look in her eyes and the strain in her voice that she was tired of my antics. I viciously wiped at my tears and turned my head to the side as she tried to hug me. She sighed deeply, "Fine." She left without me hugging her and I pouted silently.

Some lady in the office brought me to a classroom that she insisted I  would 'love'. I didn't want to be there so I ignored every word that came out of her purple colored lips.

In Mrs. Jefferson's class I sat next to a boy with curly hair. At first I ignored him, looking at the ceiling and crossing my arms. "I'm Noah," he whispered. I ignored. "What's you name." Still ignored. "Is it your first day?" With a huff I decided to spare him a glance. I didn't expect the reaction I had when I faced the 'annoying' boy.

I was only ten and didn't know what I felt. My chest felt weird as I stared into blue eyes. "E-Ethan," I hushed back and then he smiled. He smiled and I couldn't take my eyes off. I didn't understand, I didn't know why I felt this way. Suddenly Noah became a lot less annoying and a lot more interesting.

At recess he showed me the 'ins and outs' of the playground. I still didn't know why but I had a huge urge to be his friend, so from then on I did. I became Noah's best friend.

Not only did Noah fill my thoughts with memories of the past, but his goddamn letter was still laying on my kitchen counter.  I didn't know what to think about his father's passing. Relieved maybe? I always despised how he treated Noah, but he was still a person.. it's quite psychotic of me to feel no remorse.

I didn't know what to do with the information. It confused me to why Noah would go out of his way to deliver this letter to me. My initial thought was the throw the letter away, forget I was even aware of the funeral, but my curiosity was repulsive.  I found myself holding the letter in my hand and then responding to the email listed on the letter 'noah.anderson7676@gmail.com'. I typed "I will be attending the service." I hit send before I even had a chance to think about the consequences of my decision. The damage was done.

Tell me what you think! Criticism is appreciated!