This Winter

Chapter 16

Junior Year

Winter snow has melted, the bare trees budding leaves. Spring is here, creating a chance for new life. A fresh start.

All memories of our winter kiss is gone, the warmer air is heating our skin but my heart is still ice. Mind still clouded with icy snowflakes despite the green grass.

Spring is a chance to move on, but I don't want to move on.

An awkwardness forever taints our friendship, as Noah pulls further from me. He sleeps a little further on weekend nights, meets my gaze less, and attempts to limit our interactions.

We talk less and refrain from deeper conversations. Conversations always light, and a bitterness coats my tongue whenever we speak because it's fake. All of it is fake. We don't talk like we used to do.

He's pulling away. Attempting to make new friends at the library instead of sitting with me during lunch.

After lunches eating alone I find myself at a new table.

"Ethan!" Daren exclaims when I sit my tray of lunch on their's.

A string of football players and snooty girls sitting on the sides a the specked blue lunch table.

"Can I sit here?" I ask, standing by the edge of the table and looking down the crammed table.

A few of them sharing worried glances because their isn't very much room.

Darren stands up, trying to figure out where exactly to fit me, when a girl with straight brown hair moves over. "You can sit beside me," she pats the room she made.

Her friend looking very annoyed beside her because she's practically shoving her off the side of the table to make room.

With a sigh I sit beside her, in between Daniel and the brunette. She smiles cutely, an innocence about her.

"I'm Ashley. Ashley Kent," she blushes, her shoulders hunching with embarrassment.

Her friend scoffs beside her, a blonde I recognize from the cheer team. They're both gorgeous, and polar opposite.

The blonde, Stephanie, has blue eyes painted with pink eyeshadow. Long lashes and a bold aura about her, something I've witnessed on the football field when I hear her shouting and doing flips on the side-lines.

Ashley's soft-spoken, well-dressed but a natural beautiful face, contrasting Stephanie's bold look. I can almost imagine her as a writer or painter from her artistic vibe.

Both are beautiful and any guy would be damned to pass up the clear attraction from Ashley, but I do. I am the fool to pass up on Ashley, because while her eyes are stealing glances from me- I'm looking for a particular boy.

Watching him as he walks passed the double doors of the lunchroom and towards the library. All to avoid me.

I'm chewing on my lip, hoping that the boy will stop. That he will come to his sense and come back to me.

Gripping my tray tightly and leaning forward, off the bench. Breath held until his frame disappears behind brick walls.

He didn't even spare a glance.

"What happened between you two?" Daniel whispers under his breath. I look at him and see he's staring at the double doors like I was.

With a shrug I answer, "Nothing." Plopping a fry into my mouth and attempting to be nonchalant.

"Oh come on, Ethan. I'm pretty dumb but I knew you two were like this," crossing his fingers for emphasis and raising his eyebrows at me. "What happened?"

Our conversation is seemingly unnoticed, the rest talking across from us. Daniel looks at me expectantly and I'm fairly surprised about his concerned. He normally only cares about football, beer, and girls. And in that order.

"I don't know.." I answer truthfully. Well I do know, but I don't understand what's going on in his pretty head. "I'm going to get him back though."

My words hold too much of an intimacy too them. Worded like he's an ex-boyfriend I'm trying to win over, but Daniel doesn't notice. He's shrugging and turning to talk to Darren.  

I'm not letting you go, Noah.

Present

I didn't know where to take him. His head looking out the window and mine staring at the road.

An awkwardness settled between us, suffocating the car and providing discomfort.

He was so familiar, yet a stranger. It felt like when you spot someone dear at a grocery store and then continue to bump into them... Once we had reacquainted, we had no idea how to hold a conversation.

"How's life?"

He stifles a laugh, I can see him looking at me from the corner of my eye. "How's life?"

"Yeah, like.. how are things? What have you been up to?" I shrug my shoulders, hands readjusting on the wheel.

"That's just a very broad question," a small chuckle accompany his words. A pause later he answers, "Okay, I guess. I live a few towns over. Up in Oakland... I'm an accountant for this firm there."

He's very nonchalant when I dive into questions about the accountancy firm he works at. From the small smile I know he's happy, makes a good living, and doesn't stress to much about the job.

He's gotten what he wanted in life. A steady job, perfect for a family.

"What about you? What do you do?"

A small smile dances across my lips, "I'm a teacher." Probably not a job to brag about because the salary is shit and I spend most of my life grading papers. The money I make I constantly invest back into my classroom.

"Really, what age?" Noah sits up into his seat.

"Fourth grade."

"That's awesome, Ethan... I always thought you were good with kids," voice soft when he speaks but a hint of excitement.

He's proud of me and it feels good.

I'm afraid to dive into deeper questions. Questions about the years following my disappearance in this town. I want to know what happened on his end. Why he didn't stop me.

I want to ask him if he's upset about his fathers death. If he holds the same grief of his mother.

A selfish part of me wants to know if he's shared his body with another lover. God knows I have, but has he?

Does a piece of him still belong to me?

And then I want to ask myself, because why am I here? I know I want to find a resolution to my fucked up life, but is that all?

Am I kidding myself for pretending that's the only reason.

I don't ask these things, not yet. Instead I park my car downtown. Along the curb of a street.

The coffee shop we visited once a year is down this street. It's not a 'special' coffee shop. A chain one that dots the map all over Indiana. To me, to us, it's special.

So I park the car there, turn to Noah and ask him, "Do you want to get something to drink?"

He laughs softly, and for a moment I'm taken back. It feels like before.

Before the move, before our relationship went to shit.

It feels like a time when I was happy. When I was madly in love with the boy beside me and I feel the pain. Remember the familiar feeling I got in my chest every time I stare into his ocean eyes.

"Yeah, that would be great."

How do you suppose Ethan wins Noah back?

Side comment: Any of y'all watch Cody Ko or Noel?

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