This Winter

Chapter 3

Present

It's the 17th when I check-in to a hotel. The funeral isn't until the 19th so that means I'll have two days to emotionally prepare for the event. That also means Kurtis has been dead for four days. Four days. Damn.

I wonder how Noah feels. Did he cry? I also wonder what caused the old man to finally kick the bucket. Last time I knew, Kurtis was in perfect healthy, but then again I haven't seen him in 7 years and a lot can change. I knew a lot had changed with Noah, I hadn't seen him in 7 years but stalked him frequently on Instagram up until four years ago. 

Although I had a few reoccurring memories of Noah, I had pushed everything about him out of my life two years after I had moved from the town. From when I last stalked him I was under the impression he was attending university and made a couple of new friends.

With everything that had happened recently I decided to search for him on Instagram. I didn't take long before I uncovered his account. I laid back into the hotel bed, my phone in one hand and the other resting on my stomach.

My thumb swiped through the endless amounts of photos posted. I couldn't find much, mainly he posted pictures of food and scenery. I found a group photo of him and other guys, his arm slung casually around a few guys. It was hard to make him out in the blurry photo but he looked pretty much the same. Those same damn eyes. 

I found a selfie of him stashed in the back of a cluster of photos. It appeared to be pictures from a trip to the Grand Canyon, it took a few swipes through photos of red rock to find it. I felt that familiar pain in my chest as I stared at the photo. The slight wind was blowing his curls back with a wide crooked smile. He looked so damn happy and I couldn't help to wonder if another person accompanied him on the trip.

He was gorgeous and I knew there had to be some kind of action in his love life, but through stalking his account I came up with nothing. Although, I couldn't quite tell if I was relived or not.

Sixth Grade

Noah and I eventually graduated from elementary school. At one point we went through a scare, afraid we wouldn't be attending the same middle school. To our benefit we were in fact both enrolling to Jefferson Middle School together. 

Our friendship had gotten much stronger over the course of two years, I can't say my relationship with his parents ever improved.  Unlike my mom, who adored Noah, his parents still thought of me as a lower-class troublesome kid. Our parents were also not friends, during fifth grade graduation my mother was properly introduced to the Anderson's. That night she told me that she didn't think they'd become very close.

The parental complications didn't stop Noah and I from spending the rest of the summer together. I still came to his house to swim and he would come to mine. We were excited to finally be becoming 'adults'. Middle school came with some perks, lockers, multiple teachers, and extended bed times. I was ready to embrace the more freedom middle school had to offer. 

Although with so much excitement and potential freedom, middle school was a time of puberty. I was beginning puberty a lot more earlier than most boys my age, according to my mom and basing myself off of Noah. My voice was changing and I was awfully embarrassed every time I heard the crack in my vocals. My small crush on Noah was also evolving into something much greater and not only that but I was becoming much aware of my sexuality. 

After months of sixth grade I had become well aware of the word 'gay'. "That's gay! "You're gay!" "Shut-up faggot!"  It didn't take a genius to realize that my feelings towards boys was not natural. I was ashamed. I didn't want to be 'gay', so I was faced with the only logical option, stop being gay.

I started dating Lindsey Hale in November. She had blonde hair, ran fast and wore shirts with sequins on them. I didn't know much about her other than I was told she had a crush on me. 

Dating her was the absolute worse. Lindsey required my full attention whenever we were together. That meant talking to Lindsey during lunch, sitting next to Lindsey during gym, and taking Lindsey to the winter dance. 

Middle school dances weren't all that special. They compiled all grades into the cafeteria, played pop songs, and sold concessions. It was a casual dance, so I wore the same clothes I did during school, but Lindsey didn't.

We met by the front door of the school. It was cold, but she wanted us to walk in together, so I waited outside until her Dad dropped her off. Lindsey had changed from her school clothes into a red sweater dress. Her stringy blonde hair was pulled into a side pony tail and she wore a glossy lip gloss. Not sure how to act about her appearance I had made a stupid move and asked, "Why are you wearing make-up?"

She scoffed at me and walked past me to the school door, not bothering to wait for me. I wasn't a very good boyfriend, so when I walked into the cafeteria and didn't immediately spot her I decided to give up. I grabbed a soda from the concessions and sat in a corner with a few other dateless boys. Most of the other boys were weird but I didn't mid, it was far better than dancing with Lindsey. Then Noah showed up.

Unlike me, he had also dressed for the occasion. He was wearing a tight fitting denim jeans and a blue plaid button-up that matched the color of his eyes. I felt my face flushing in the dimmed room as I started to make my way towards him. He wasn't aware of my presence, so I took the opportunity to stare at his face as I made my way towards him. I was so close to my destination when a certain blonde cut me off.

"There you are Ethan!" she screeched, teeth closed showing off her pink banded braces. My attention drifted over her shoulder to a boy well aware of my presence now. He smiled at me and then left his spot to venture into the crowd of people. 

I sighed and turned my head back to Lindsey, "I thought you might've broken up with me."

"I was just mad, Ethan. But now my favorite song is on so I wanted to dance."

She gripped my hand tightly and pulled me into the crowd of people to get closer to the speaker that was currently playing Katy Perry. We kept our distance as we dance, jumping to the song and making up stupid dance moves. I hated to admit it but I actually had fun dancing with her, but then a slower song came on and ruined the whole moment. 

She smiled at me shyly, her lips still shining with a glossy pink. I stared at her for a few moments, trying to conspire a plan to escape but fell short.  With a sigh I motioned for her to come closer. It was awkward and she stepped on my feet a few time.

I placed my hands on the sides of her red dress and she rested hers on my shoulders. We poorly swayed to the music like the dozen of other middle school couples. Her hands were sweaty and I could tell she was nervous as her cheeks reddened at every glance. I sigh, closing my eyes and listening to the lyrics.

Yeah, when my world is falling apart
When there's no light to break up the dark
That's when I, I
I look at you  

When the waves
Are flooding the shore and I can't
Find my way home anymore
That's when I, I
I look at you  

Among the crowd I spot him, he's swaying to the music with a girl I recognize from my science class. I can't help but feel a pain in my chest as I watch them. He's holding her waist, staring down at her as the whisper to each other. I feel like I've been punched in the stomach as she rests her head on his chest. I can't look away, my eyes glued to their every movement. 

When I look at you, I see forgiveness
I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I'm not alone  

A wave of something washes over me and settles into my stomach, I feel sweaty and sick. I don't want to look at them anymore but I can't help but stare. I take a shaky breath and turn my attention back to Lindsey. The rest of the dance I don't dare look at Noah, afraid of what I might see.

Tell me what you think? Do you think I should continue with a few other flashbacks before I reveal present or alternate present and flashback equally?